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Fritolaysia Cuts Off Chiplomatic Relations With Snakistan

Fritolaysia Cuts Off Chiplomatic Relations With Snakistan
theonion.com/fritola...

Concerning New Study Finds Nation’s Poverty Growing Faster Than Officials Can Build Prisons WASHINGTON—A concerning new study released Monday by the Federal Bureau of Prisons found that the nation’s poverty is growing faster than officials can build prisons. “The data shows that the nu...

"The data shows that the number of people becoming destitute is currently outstripping our ability to set up new correctional facilities to imprison them."

Supreme Court Rules Anyone Who Had Abortion Under Roe Must Be Re-Impregnated WASHINGTON—In a controversial 6-3 decision, the Supreme Court ruled Monday that any American who underwent a legal abortion under Roe v. Wade must now be re-impregnated. “Any U.S. citizen who term...

"My colleagues and I have pored over the precedent texts and ultimately determined that having an empty womb does not number among the rights detailed in the U.S. Constitution."

Experts Blame ‘Jaws’ For Transforming Public Perception Of Great White Sharks From Lovable House... LONG ISLAND, NY—Decrying the stigma the film attached to a once-beloved species of fish, experts at the Coastal Research and Education Society released a report Tuesday blaming the 1975 blockbust...

"The reality is these are cuddly—and let’s just say it, flat-out cute—pets who love nuzzling with children."

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