your new dad

just got my dad black belt by falling asleep to credence clearwater revival while wearing socks and sandals

please proceed roadrunner

i just hope taylor swift has a good time

[slips mortician $20] Great job he looks really dead

it’s the freakin weekend, baby i’m about to stare at my phone

the first roll of armadillo fight club is into balls

hamster kids: what’s for dinner

hamster mom: toilet paper roll

hamster kids: yay!

me: what do you mean i can’t have eggs today

wife: *holding chicken head* we’re all making sacrifices

on you first day in prison walk up to the nicest looking guard and ask if he’ll let you out

the greatest trick the devil ever pulled is the one where you take your thumb off and slide it, there’s really no topping that one

i saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madden 13

everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about because you’ve been left out of yet another group chat

darth vader driving in a convertible: *harmonica noises*

a bookshelf that leads to a secret room with another bookshelf of books i’ve actually read

Trent the turtle claims he can predict who will win the Super Bowl. This is a scam.

english teacher: are you doing good or are you doing well

me: neither

my secret is to pre cut them, it makes them easier to rip

told my friend she was drawing her eyebrows too high and then she looked at me all surprised

accidentally crashed into chappell roans car and 30 chappell roans came spilling out

[bookstore]

customer: can you tell me where the do it yourself section is?

me: you are not off to a good start

my wife’s worried we’re eating too much plastic, but i normally don’t eat more than a five gallon bucket a month

hulks in bulk

oh to be a fly on the wall in a telepod created for a matter transmission experiment

on your last day of prison go up to the smallest guy there and smuggle him out

guy who won't stop talking about how he hates taylor swift gets upset when nfl shows her during games

*rawring in approval*

me, quietly: they used to call me daddy long legs in high school

son: because you were tall?

wife, pretending to sleep on the couch: because he used to eat bugs

date: I hate when men try to woo me

ric flair: *sweating profusely*

i didn’t vote for punxsutawney phil

a/c dead people