Up and Adam

Herman Mellville, 1851:

the thing i don’t get about team USA having a seal team six guy address the clubhouse is that you’ve got ken griffey jr hanging around your dugout every game as a photographer. just have him come in and riff with the fellas before the game, they’d probably like it more

CHIMING IN FROM OUT OF FRAME: also hundreds of children were killed

Doctor: Does your family have a prior history of updog?

Me: No but refrigerator runs in my family.

It’s hard to blame woke DEI when the military is losing a war because of the straits.

I'm sorry ma'am, but your son perished on Kharg Island in a valiant effort to create Wii Bowling meme videos for the White House X account. In the face of danger, he was not cringe; he was based to his last breath. Please have this commemorative Epic Fury challenge coin. Yes that's Punisher, ma'am

me: if z is the length of a slice and a is the area of the pie, then pi(zz)=a

PhD advisor: this is what you’ve been working on for three and a half years?

You're going to do great

30 years ago tonight:

(explaining war to a conservative in a way that they might understand) bombing a country is kind of like changing their cracker barrel logo

Hell yeah no pants are the best pants

It fucken WIMDY

it fucken WIMDY

I think the worst example of this was the Robin Hood movie where everyone was weird and horny except for Kevin Costner who was the first Nebraska accented man to ever topple Sherwood, I think he wore jeans in alot of the movie

Can this be a solution?

An oil tanker approaches the strait of Hormuz, collects a gold star and passes through while safely invulnerable

I think I may have cracked it

BREAKING: Federal indictment shows SC Rep. RJ May (R-Lexington) is facing 10 counts of distribution of child sex abuse material. Indictment alleges May used aliases including “joebidennnn69” on the social media app Kik and “knowingly did distribute child pornography.”

COUNT ONE (Distribution of Child Pornography) THE GRAND JURY CHARGES That on or about April 3, 2024, in the District of South Carolina, the defendant, ROBERT JOHN MAY, 1II, a/k/a "joebidennnn69", a/k/a "Eric Rentling", knowingly did distribute child pornography and materials that contained child pornography, as defined in Title 18, United States Code, Section 2256(8), that had been mailed, shipped, and transported in interstate and foreign commerce by any_ means, including by computer; specifically, the defendant, ROBERT JOHN MAY, I11, a/k/a "joebidennnn69", a/k/a "Eric Rentling", sent a video file ending in "69c0" using the Kik application to another user of the Kik application known to the grand jury: In violation of Title 18, United States Code, Sections 2252A(a)(2) and 2252A(b)(1).

a Republican House member from SC, Rep. RJ May, is facing 10 counts of CSAM using the screen name "joebidennnn69" im dead

A guy crouched in a parking space with text “normal car in a dealership lot”

The same guy crouched over some rocks on the grass with text “Jeep Wrangler in a dealership lot”

They got unc crawling in the lot for content

that twitter billionaire's dumbass grok image proposing oil transfer by land through what looks like oman and uae, both currently in range of iranian drones and missiles. the trucks have been replaced by a giant slip n' slide running between the ships and a caption that reads "Pour Oil into Giant Slip n' Slide"

Can this be a solution?

vaxxed?

Yeah I would presume one would do so with their mouth

my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.

the alt-text deserves a pulitzer. maybe a nobel.

Says a lot about him that he's still on twitter :/

Cackling

Laker Fans Furious As Bam Adebayo Dies In Even Worse Helicopter Crash

Laker Fans Furious As Bam Adebayo Dies In Even Worse Helicopter Crash

Matchup between Mexico and Italy in the World Baseball Classic showing the flags of both countries, which are similar in their red and green save for the emblem in the middle of Mexico’s flag.

If Mexico wins, they get to keep the emblem on their flag. If Italy wins, they get to steal it.

A picture outside a venue named The Sylvee showing a marquee that says musician Jesse Welles is playing there tonight and the show is sold out

It me at every family get together:

"Hi, I work for fartboner. Fuck. Fartboner. Fuck. Fartboner. Fuck. I work for Fartbo-"