Ira Lieman

So they ran out of condoms at the Winter Olympics but there are reports they're waiting for more to come in. #unclejoke

I was in an audio-only (thank dog) Teams meeting, and I felt a sneeze coming on. So I hit the mute button on my speaker. Not sure if there were 2 or 3 sneezes, but it was loud. I heard "Bless you!" and thought ... that was odd.

I was already on mute. I had unmuted myself. Everyone heard my sneeze.

I wonder if mattresses would benefit from a trip to spring training. ⚾ #idlethoughts #mlb

If there is a lesbian sequel to #HeatedRivalry (which I am all for) please make sure it's called "Five Minutes In The Box," ok?

I'm thinking walk-up music played over the office PA system when you have to get a task done. Writing an email? "Blank Space." Making travel arrangements? "Gonna Fly Now" from Rocky.

William H. Macy and his mustache

Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

Someone please write a biopic about Kurt Vonnegut Jr. for William H. Macy to star in, please and thank you.

@hugh2d2.bsky.social 🎈 🎂

"You have no idea how much macaroni is inside me right now." - @jbrussell.bsky.social

I want to cancel my cable internet service because I will be moving (and renting out the house I will still own). Their retention department said I should keep it for $10/month and then transfer the service to the eventual renters. What is wrong with flipping the switch to cancel service?

His advanced stats were superior especially OPASS and buttWAR

Nick Offerman for President for real this time.

Picked up my guitar in between meetings and started strumming four chords in a row. D, G, Em, A. Thought it sounded different. D, G, Em, A. Yeah, I don't think I ever heard that before. D, G, Em, A. Wait. Nope, it was "It's All Been Done" by Barenaked Ladies.

So hear me out. Cuomo, in losing, wants to move to Florida. Ron DeSantis, the current governor, is term limited. Cuomo already had Trump's backing for NYC Mayor. So, even though Cuomo is an ass, he's not NYC's problem anymore and can be Trump's choice for Florida Governor in 2026!

If your Stratocaster has a whammy bar, don't miss the opportunity to call it a Fender bender.

Technologists are generally not good at speaking to groups about their technologies. Finding a good speaker that can talk about the key points, answer questions from the audience, and get into examples for illustration is like finding an atom on a needle in a haystack.

It's a wonderful time to plan a mental health day 😵‍💫

See, I get that, but then I'd have to live in Florida.

I will not turn the heat on until the 15th.
I will not turn the heat on until the 15th.
I will not turn the heat on until the 15th.
I will not turn the heat on until the 15th.
I will not turn the heat on until the 15th.

"Stand clear of the closing doors, bing bong."

Man, I wish I were Jimmy Kimmel today. Jimmy has a good personal brand, lots of friends, significant means, and as of this week zero corporate oversight. Sure the "suspension" of his show sucks for his dozens of employees, but he now has the opportunity to lead his audience anywhere he wants to.

I do not have nor want tickets to this show.

Google wants me to see Morrissey tonight I guess.

Oh wow. 30 years later. 😬

How long does it take for a former owner not to get mail at their former house? I've been here almost 5 years and the owner before me was here 3 years since the recipient of today's piece of mail sold.

On an internal conference call. "After this system is updated, it's going to be so wonderful."
Me: "From your mouth to god's ears."
21 people start laughing.

They want to penalize us for the short week. It's not a Wednesday, it's a Tuesday with knives.

Take a look at @jbpritzker.bsky.social's response though. 🤣

Based on recent music sales, $100M is a high estimate.

Whoever needs to hear this: Jokes are funnier when all the words in the post are spelled correctly.