(Book 16)

"I can't just let him die, though!"
"Yes you can."
"Good point, well argued."

The Iliad:
"Oh no! Patroclus is going to kill my son Sarpedon! Hera, should I save him?"
"Don't be bloody stupid, Zeus."
"But he's one of my favourites!"
"You rescue your offspring, and every other god will do the same. You'll have no-one left to fight."
"Huh. Fair."

"What about the rest of them?"
"The rest of who?"

"Fuck's sake, Hera - you keep interfering!"
"Zeus, you keep letting the Trojans win!"
"No, I'm only letting Hector win. Then Patroclus will come out, Hector will kill Patroclus, Achilles will kill Hector, Greeks win! Easy!"
"Pretty sure my way is easier."

The Iliad:
"Poseidon, Athena, I am going to seduce Zeus. You help the Greeks while he's distracted."
"Hera, that trick never works!"
"That trick always works. It's the aftermath that gets messy."

(Book 14)

The Iliad:
"Hector. You look a mess."
"Apollo? Yeah, Diomedes hit me with a rock."
"Well, get up. Zeus doesn't want you to die yet."
"If you say so."
"Good man."
"Wait - what do you mean 'yet'?"

"This fucking city had still better fall."
(Book 15)

The Iliad:
"Poseidon? Zeus wants you to stop helping the Greeks."
"Iris, tell him fuck him."
"Uh. Are you sure?"
"Yes!"
"Really sure?"
"Um. Good point, well argued. I'll stop for now."

"Well, Diomedes, this is the forward Thracian camp that Dolon told us about. Lot of nice horses here. Do you want to do theft or murder?"
"I choose murder, Odysseus."
"Theft for me, then!"

(Book 10)

"I've told you all about the Trojan encampment! Please let me go!"
"One step at a time, Dolon. One step at a time."

"That's what I said, Odysseus. I said, why don't you tell us everything you know, and maybe we won't kill you."
"One step at a time, Diomedes."

The Iliad:
"Dolon, I would like to introduce you to my friend Odysseus. Odysseus, Dolon here was prompted by a spirit of curiosity regarding the Greek encampment."
"Why Diomedes, that is the same spirit that motivates us! Dolon could make our lives much easier. Or we could make his much shorter."

"But dad...!"
"Not you, Athena. Do what you gotta do."

The Iliad: I'm reading from the 2023 Emily Wilson translation, which rocks.

The Iliad:
"Alright, dickheads, this has gone on long enough. I want this war done, and I want it done quickly."
"Ok, Zeus, what do you want us to do?"
"Nothing! Stop interfering! Any of you fuckers so much as touches a Greek or Trojan I will punt you off this mountain myself!"

(Book 8)

The Iliad:
"Ok Diomedes: I've given you the divine upgrade package. You will absolutely dominate this battle."
"Wow, thanks Athena!"
"You'll also be able to tell the difference between gods and mortals. Do NOT engage the gods."
"Of course."
"Unless you see Aphrodite. Shank that bitch."

(Book 3.)