lowrentkicker

🎶 For All the Right Reasons, Four Seasons 🎶

If I were to create a Four Seasons HVAC TV ad:

Oldest daughter: “Jesus Christ. It’s goddamn 50 degrees in here. It’s like a fucking meat locker.”

Father [over-the-top]: “Oh ladies! I better call Four Seasons!”

Youngest daughter: “I’m 4 years old. 4! And I figured this out. Are you fucking dumb?”

[chewing three pieces of Neuro energy gum, shotgunning a white Monster]

OK LETS DO THIS

[promptly falls asleep doing work]

Someone convince me NOT to buy this

[exhales] so so so it’s gonna be like what now?

I hear ya

[Me watching Top Chef and seeing they are bringing back former contestants to judge and realizing I don't remember any of their names]

"OH! Them. I like them. I'm so happy for them. Are they doing well? I hope so. Good for them."

Me: “if you could get anything to make your job easier what would it be?”

Contractor: “nothing everything [the company] provides is perfect”

Me: “I’m not the money guy you don’t have to lie we’re all in the same class struggle trying to get what’s rightfully ours”

Contractor: “What?”

Me: “What?”

Realized I’ve had the same roll of waxed paper for 10+ years and I got it solely because my grandmother used it for everything but I can’t remember what she used it for. I just feel obligated to have a roll because you never know.

3 drops every 2 hours, let them slowly dissolve in your mouth? How about 20 at a time whenever I feel like it, and I crunch them up with my teeth when I get bored with them.

Show me a person who follows the “directions” on a bag of cough drops and I’ll show you a psychopath.

"Sounds like you're looking for sushi restuarants near Cupertino"

"NOT NOW SIRI"

[me, shouting at my computer]

"AI. Just, like, figure it out."

[nothing happens]

"AYE EYE. FIGURE OUT EVERYTHING THAT'S WRONG."

My niece is playing in the high school state finals for basketball tonight. Very pumped for her and her team!

Isn’t that Austin Powers?

I’m writing a movie about me racing to get to the remaining ice cream cake back home waiting for me. It’s a romance.

“As your new benefits provider, you can deep dive into our platform by listening to our podcast…”

I can’t think of anything I want to do less

Once again, incredible people leave us too soon and horrible people stay around far too long.

I can report my mother continues to drive exactly like you think a cartoon character drives their car

To quote my mother “She’s clearly very talented but… you know… WEIRD”

I’m at my mom’s 80th birthday party, her husband hired a new age flutist as entertainment, and all the seniors at this 55+ park including my mother have no idea what the fuck is going on.

Thank you so much!

Thank you so much!

Thank you so much!

Evergreen

I’m 62 years old, I live in Tampa, I eat corn and beef everyday, I always have a titleist hat on, and Iran is the biggest threat to my freedom

When watching a horror movie where the setting is "this is just a small all-American town, what could be wrong?" and the only solution is to leave the town boundries, I often thought how ridiculous this is or this is a racism allegory. Then I went to Wheaton and found out all of that can be true.

I'm using "It's ok! They're Quebecois!" is an excuse for everything now.

As long I don't have to do that run all at once, totally doable. And I'll need that $50 million for the medical bills afterwards.

If this is what is being used to build and run their shit then good luck with that. No way in hell they actually use their own product.