Apple Bottom Jings

showed her pickle rick she was mortyfied

Read the phrase "The ancient Chinese text Zhuangzi (historical romanized as Chuang Tzǔ)" and I read it initially as "historically romanticized" and I briefly had the though oh yes that IS more romantic

(Gay guy unaware he is being haunted by a dangerous spirit) Just vogue'd so hard I made the walls scream, LMFAO

life hack is that you can put dry leaves and stuff in your dryer's lint trap and it will start to light up

Me: Shawty said her intelligence ain't artificial so don't prompt her!!!

Guy in the audience who stands up and is suddenly 6'5": Shawty did NOT say that

Me: 😃🙂😶😅😳🤢🪦

Lmao

starling (seth rogen): if you could take this survey that would be so awesome. i could get out of your hair before this guy's done jacking off.

hannibal lecter (danny mcbride): motherfucker that's miggs. me and him are boys, so you better watch yourself. i'm behind this glass cause i ate some dudes

Bro just imagined Sisyphus happy ☠️☠️ (voice lowering 2 octaves) Lets Fuck His Ass

Went to an illegal zoo that had people in it (invite only) and they were all pacing back and forth like they hated being in an enclosure Lmfao

Was talking about how Israel has a baseball team in the world baseball classic, and the news showed their scoreline where they got obliterated by the Dominican Republic, and I said "speak of the devil" - realized afterward probably the most literal use of that phrase humanely possible

White people be like "Lemme put my dog on the phone." So you go sure and say Hello - then this mothrfucker starts barking about his 401k!

- Afraiofwasps "White Slaves" Netflix special (In development)

Nude weapons expert reacts to Resident Evil gun reload animations while exposed

Notification with threatening aura

Me (emotionally manipulative master): Should I kill myself... Or have a cup of coffee

My simple servant with hunch back and 1 eye: Cup of coffee my lord!! Cup of coffee

doing something I call a "cortisol detox" which means drinking 7 beers in the basement really fast

(After seeing friend moonwalk out of Jimmy John's) Wow I didn't know you Smooved like that

Lol

I've seen this quote before but it's never quite occurred to me how funny it is picturing one of these guys using the phrase "a new dawn" to describe this situation

Antsy on a first date and accidentally calling the complimentary bread basket the "piece de resistánce"

Get their ass 🔥🔥🔥

You: Thanks for listening... Feels like we forget how to listen sometimes :P in our society .....

Me: (completely zoned out responding to an elf in my head) Wassup Elf

Yooo wassup man Just a warning I'm like totally unlovable (dapping U up) Like nice to meet you man but like do not entrust me with any of your wellbeing dawg (Going in for 1-armed hug)

Dracula eatin on my neck Lol

Sent from Hell

(shoelace gets stuck in an escalator and my leg gets pulled in and is shredded to the consistency of pulled pork) Whatever

(putting phone down after watching youtube on it for 4 hours) Alright. Enough fucking around. (opening youtube on my computer

This will probably go viral in 3 to 4 hours once the public has a chance to catch up

Need a chinese cigarette and four thousand lemmings jumping off my counter into my trash can

haven't had that thing happen where hundreds of people like age 70+ completely misunderstand your tweet and get angry in the replies, which means either:

1. Bluesky has "come into its own" re: surfacing posts to target users,
2. I am completely washed, or
3. All of those people have since died

then i will be there to listen.