Schmrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrlex

this joke may seem confusing, but if you look carefully "cardamom" can also be read as "Cardi B's mom." It's a joke about Cardi B's mom

you're thinking of some other fruit. not apples. possibly some type of red honeydew

we won't know until we look

I like to picture the O with the two dots in 'Schrödinger' as a very surprised cat

Conkers Once, you smuggled home some of the blue stones that marked the graves beyond the hedge. For the time you secretly held them, pressing indentations in your palm, they seemed like hardened lumps of water, the possibility of transformation. You might become something else, like the dead. The kids swing horse chestnut seeds, bigger than marbles, from a string. The object is to bash open the wrinkled meat inside. But when they swing and miss, they seem to be knocking at an invisible door that hangs between them, and that is worse. You have your own game, and you must play it quietly in your mind, just as the dead must swim in the field alone, each in their own rectangular pool. The rules are: count the sides of the rectangles. Graves. Gravestones. The rules are: if you don't count, you'll die. When the seeds of the maple tree whirl to the street, you peel the wing apart to find a moist green brain with the idea of a tree enclosed in its folds. Maybe the seed in your brain will never become anything. But there is magic in the game that barricades the door from opening

When you read some phrases, you know you'll remember it forever. Here's one: "you peel the wing apart to find a moist green brain with the idea of a tree enclosed in its folds."

"Conkers" by Cynthia Marie Hoffman. What a poem.

some monsters put a machine in charge of choosing who to kill, it chose to kill hundreds of school girls, and we're not going to have a meaningful debate as a country over whether that's acceptable. this country has entered a state of terminal evil and it all gets worse from here

grew up having that for breakfast on the gravel bar when we went canoeing. hormel hash, bread toasted on a wood fire, couple of over easy eggs. best dog food in the world

glad someone got it, felt like a bit of a deep cut

(wizard open mic) don’t ya hate it when your homunculus becomes ensouled? (audience murmuring derisively) sooo much paperwork (cough. couple hisses. squinting past the stage lights) ah i see we have a few clay friends in the audience tonight, that’s awesome

Particle Man: *jolts awake in a cold sweat* I dreamed of him again

"racing" doing a lot of work in that sentence as to SpaceX. Starship has not made it to orbit and the plans for using it outside of earth orbit make no sense

they are so judgmental. maybe the baby wanted to live in the river

[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow

as a St. Louisan, this is libelous. yes Panera will slice a bagel this way if you want one. but St. Louisans do not traditionally eat their bagels this way and there is nothing "St. Louis style" about it

host: oh those eggs are beautiful. and you put a paprika star on each one!

me: it's a pentagram. you said to bring satanic eggs

host: I said devilled eggs

me: I have brought you the fowl-spawn you demanded, yet you answer me with riddles. my Dark Master shall hear of it

absolutely. it was created in the first place as popular entertainment! I just don't want to sound like someone saying "if you don't enjoy opera you're a moron"

son: so they were circles?

me: yeah

son: in crops?

me: yeah

son: and this made people freak out?

me: yeah, the whole world

son: dumb

me: well…they were pretty big circles

been a long time since we've had any real innovation in the guillotine tech space

prayer is also fake but religion still does a helluva business

90% of "ancient alien" media is "NO ONE CAN EXPLAIN THIS ROCK"

Bush created a massive militarized police/surveillance apparatus free of oversight to "protect our freedoms." you'll never guess what happened next!!!

ask the average MAGA voter to just name one opera!

this discourse sounds classist/judgmental, but these people are the ones bringing up "preserving Western culture" when they have zero connection to it

opening a business that offers neither goods nor services, but a secret third thing: mystical knowledge of the Absolute (cash only there's an ATM in the Walgreens across the street)

man is it frustrating to hear MAGA claim their brutality is necessary to "protect western culture." what culture are you protecting, exactly? Kid Rock? Chik-Fil-A? because I know these fascists ain't readin' Proust

"crime" including alerting ICE when your landscapers show up so they can come and terrorize them and drag them off to the camps

The Irish fled here as impoverished immigrants because the English were STARVING MILLIONS OF THEM TO DEATH WHILE STILL EXPORTING FOOD FROM IRELAND FOR PROFIT. and many Americans were incredibly racist towards them and said they would destroy our culture

so that's why they talk so much

honey I mossed the kids. I turned them into moss. yes I realize that's much worse than shrinking them