I was sitting on the floor with my 7 yo standing over me. She took this opportunity to study the top of my head and announce, “You have a big scalp. A LOT of scalp.”
Currently shopping for a hat.
My 7 yo informed me she has changed her dream job from “Doctor” to “Ice-Cream Lady.” Best decision she’s ever made.
Asked my 9 yo how his day went and he responded with, “well, it started off just like any other Wednesday…”
Wife: I'll have the creamed potatoes
My mom: I think fries will be better
Waiter: Would sir care to pick a side?
Me: Oh no
Think you have only one chin? Let your kid take a picture of you from their POV and you will find you are sorely mistaken.
9 told me he’s not going to be able to sleep tonight because he just realized he can put anything into a deep fryer.
I wish that’s what kept me up at night.
This day in history. 1990. Charges against Axl Rose for assault with what the victim called "a really good bottle of Chardonnay" were dropped because there's no such thing.
Alexa, what we’ve got here is failure to communicate.
Oh, that's 'easier said than done'? Really buddy? Well you know what else is easier said than done? Literally everything. There is nothing easier than saying words
Life is getting worse in small but noticeable ways almost every day, but on the other hand, the quality and variety of the frozen pizza aisle has never been better.
me, as a couples therapist: have you considered just getting divorced?
Access higher states of consciousness? I’m actually not doing great with the one I’m on right now.
We were watching a show about oceans before school and my 6yo asked what “abyss” means. I gave her the short definition, “deep, dark & empty.” For most the abyss would cause uneasiness, perhaps a tremble of fear. She just shrugged her shoulders and said, “sassy.”
This generation scares me.
I found myself sitting beside the doctor who delivered me 42 years ago so I asked “do you remember me?” and he looked at me and deadpanned “it’s hard to tell when you’re wearing clothes”.
Take the joys life offers you. You’re already getting the lows. Do you want to turn away the highs?
If you ever feel down about a break up, just remember that in the 90s Jewel was dumped because she left her towels on the floor
Hello darkness my old friend
Nobody:
LED headlights: HELLO
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
An elderly woman is sitting in a shopping cart in the area normally used for children’s seating. A younger woman stands next to the cart.
omg how long have they been there
This day in history. 1984. TV's Mr Rogers presented a cardigan to the Smithsonian which they put on prominent display despite its risqué front zipper.
Refraction causes woman in clear-sided pool to appear as if she’s split into two halves.
magician’s assistant relaxes after the show
I'm at that age where my mind still thinks I'm 29, my sense of humour suggests I'm 12, whilst my body mostly keeps asking if I'm sure I'm not dead yet.
