Several Onions

(extremely Rodney Dangerfield voice) My wife’s favourite vitamin is vitamin see… I told you so. Anti oxidants? Buddy she’s anti everything.

Microsoft word all up in my business warning me that my margins are small. I don’t give a fuck print that shit and stop asking dumb ass questions paperclip ass bitch

watching two seagulls engaged in awkward aerial combat, I love you, you clumsy whores of the sea

contrary to how they are popularly depicted, demons are actually extremely blurry

tryin to slink quietly out of the grocery store after getting busted having a full on conversation with myself about a block of spicy cheese

My Dietician: actually knuckle meat is fairly healthy, and the carbs in the bread are not your enemy

I’ve been told it’s an acronym, short for Hard As a Motherfucker. This whole time my mind went to cured meats.

people talk about “going ham” as if ham is not one of the chillest, most ubiquitous deli meats

Dr. O’Flaherty keeps prescribing me potatoes

Finally we hear from the famous pussy accoustician himself

I hate the sound of macaroni my nightmares echo with the sickly fleshy smacking of wooden spoons agitating gooey pasta tubes

Attention trampoliners! If you’re here for ilyusha’s birthday party make your way to the party room! The hardships of the Snegiryov family are almost imperceptible here!

sometimes I see a beautiful woman and I’m like, that there is a beautiful woman.
sometimes I see a handsome man and I’m like, bet he can’t even do any spin kicks

it’s never a bad time to get trampled by some elk

Lisa needs braces, anal glands

I’ve got two tickets to paradise

*Eddie Money’s two children look at each other anxiously*

I may not be a mythical creature but I do enjoy lurking among pillars within the catacombs

it’s cute how in Autumn leaves just invite themselves inside like what’s up there any beers in this joint ahah just kidding sweep me back outside whenever you want or whatever

the fuck you even doin if your distinctions don’t be dubious

sure wings are great but have you ever tried eating a pound of xiphoid processes?

there’s not much better than hitting some old folks on a golf course with a “hail satan”

(extremely Mark Knopfler voice) money for pumpkins

there’s something abjectly pitiful about a broken down escalator. look at you, you pathetic metal heap. you used to think you were better than stairs

hate how my iPhone tries to finish my sentences maybe I’m giddy with diarrhea you don’t know

if you put me in a medieval battlefield I’d probably get nervous, eat too much mutton and die from being sluggish

(Pulling down a box half-filled with broken picture frames, followed by a bundle of loose coat hangers) Jesus, who loaded this baked potato?

There’s a sign on a telephone pole along a country road to my parents’ house that says Repent or Perish Time is Running Out. Thing is this sign has been up there for 30 years. They’ve replaced it at least once. I chose perish years ago.

yeah it depends on how many hands tall you are and the degree to which you wish to shimmer elegantly in the moonlight

I have a chart for malnourished horses