Don't forget them immediately cutting to a new guy in the stands with a sign that says "Also here for the host"

Oh fuck oh shit

You think you've got it tough, I'm friends with the guy on You're Living All Over Me

Putting flouride in my vape so I don't have to brush my teeth

This is the hardest I’ve laughed in a long time.

Boston Market recently changed their name to Boston MARKET, a move that increased their market capitalization by 500%

Committing an assasination and the shell casings read "Call" "Me" "Ishmael"

a screenshot from the 2011 film We Bought A Zoo of matt damon talking to scarlett johansson, but matt damon has been photoshopped to be dressed as ozymandias from Watchmen

"Buy it?" Scarlett, I'm not a Republic Serial villain. Do you seriously think I'd explain my master-stroke if there remained the slightest chance of you affecting its outcome? I bought the zoo thirty-five minutes ago.

I've designed a phone without all the annoying apps and features. There's just one big button you smash that says WIFE and it calls your wife. If you don't have a wife then you practice with it for when you do

CIA analyst talking to a Soviet naval captain who wants to defect: So go back to the suuuuub.