A jar or marinara sauce on a grocery store shelf that reads, "SINCE 1935, Mezzetta FAMILY CO. SENSITIVE MARINARA SAUCE NO ONIONS OR GARLIC"
Whatever you do, don't bring up the marinara's divorce.
this is the face of a man who is about to end the bird flu epidemic by eating every infected bird
I know pointing out hypocrisy doesn’t matter anymore, but if there’s one person I wouldn’t want to be the judge of who goes into locker rooms, it would be the man who openly boasted about walking into dressing rooms of underage girls
According to this fortune cookie I'm getting fat
"that's an Oreo"
*gasps* then it was right
The first Senators to actually do anything about the Trump admin
De-Nazify shit.
I finally saw The Substance last night and I hope Demi wins that Oscar for the MOST UNHINGED performance I’ve ever seen.
I want someone to hold onto my memory like my Tupperware holds into Spaghetti Night 2017. “Great times”, he whispers, “I’ll never let go, no matter how hard you try to scrub it away.”
All the friend I made there for sure. I miss my burger wrapper tweet.
In times like this it’s good to do little things for your mental health. Go for a walk. Yell into the abyss. Eat a cupcake. Do your little turn. On. The. Catwalk. Yeah, shake your little tush on the catwalk.
Dry January 2025 = Every woman’s vagina when approached by a man.
I heard Zuck, Bezos & Musk tried to have a dick measuring contest but they couldn’t find a ruler small enough.
CAPTCHA: are you a human
ME: yes
CAPTCHA: oh i am so sorry
Some fascinating things happening on Reddit. 22,000 upvotes on the subreddit dedicated to posting pictures of houses that are over 100 years old.
Olive Garden told me I was adopted
Women, POC, and those in the LBGTQ+ rainbow are NOT second rate citizens. We are equal, full human beings, and 10000x worthy of equal rights and respect. Anyone who doesn’t feel the same can GTFO.
“Are you there, god? It’s me, Margaret. I know you didn’t intervene in countless world wars, famines, droughts, plagues, wildfires, etc…but if you could do me a solid and rig this sports game in my favour that would be great. All the speeches say you love influencing local sports.”
They should make a second car horn as an "apology horn" for when you realize you shouldn't have honked or it was an accident.
Some of my most favourite memories are from Los Angeles. Thinking of my friends there and all the people affected by this incredible tragedy. Even when the flames are extinguished there will be a decade + of rebuilding such an iconic place. Our support and compassion shouldn’t end with the fire.
me: so why didn’t Ariel just write a note to the Prince after she lost her voice to let him know what Ursula did to her? i mean she signed the contract so we know she can write..
waiter: ma’am i meant any questions about the menu
My ugly sweater is beautiful on the inside.
*Whispers* It’s me. I’m the inside.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Fuck you, ocean. If you have something to say, say it to my face instead of through a shell, you stupid piece of shit.
Say what you will about AI writing movies, they’ll never capture the magical WTF that is the plot of Dead Ringers:
Listen, retailers: I wanted to buy a simple cardigan, not enter into a lifetime penpal relationship where I don’t write you back but you still get me every birthday, Christmas, Hanukkah, and days that end in “y”.
I’ve never wanted anything as much as this guy didn’t want to be touched by anything with less than two legs.
Rage Against The Machine was talking about McFlurries.
Repeatedly asking the taxi driver if he needs any help driving the taxi. "I could do the pedals?" He keeps telling me to get out but I won't
Cashier: did you find everything you were looking for?
Bono: *looking off into the distance*
10/10 tree topper. We have a Star Wars Death Star.
