joke nicholson

me af

r u mad at us

if you cook jigglypuff is that pork

rich did you not read the part about her knife!!!!?

she has a knife!

guy who came up with emergency alerts:
we should make the phones shriek when there's a life threatening emergency. i'm talkin' tornadoes. earthquakes. hurricanes. tsunamis. wildfire. volcanic eruptions. landslides - what else?

dave in the back:
missing elderly folks

don’t worry everyone i am yelling at god he knows we are mad

33 years old, reflecting on my youth with horror,

my toxic trait is when someone posts a photo with the caption “felt cute might delete later” i always comment “delete now”

gonna buy a yo-yo and get really good at it so i can travel to every school across the country performing yo-yo tricks onstage in their auditoriums as a thinly veiled way to indoctrinate the youth with the word of christ

i jacarounda and found outa

don't move to LA unless you've visited during the month of june to make sure the jacarandas aren't poisonous to your little bitch baby body

reflecting on my life with horror, realizing i have become the very thing i once feared: the neighbor who scream sneezes by their open window

selfie with dog in cone of shame

two angels

uh oh, mama sprained her ankle this weekend :-]

hmmmmm not the ideal response to read for someone (me) who worries she might be a little """""::""""weird"""""""

you know how people are like “i always wished I could eat the pizza from the goofy movie” or like, the creme de la creme from aristocats? well mine’s the metal from the leg braces that fall off when forrest gump starts running. what vitamin deficiency is that

if i had $220 to blow it would be absolutely fucking over for you hoes. you're so lucky i haven't managed my money well enough to purchase these. get on your knees and thank the good lord up above you don't have to answer to me in a pair of cat-eyes

i think all my problems would probably disappear if i owned a pair of bitchy little sunglasses

thanks! she's a fruit bat from hell and i love her very much

wh*t the fuck

don't you dare judge me until you've walked a mile in my Strappy Stiletto Heels Square Open Toe Heeled Sandals For Wedding Bridal Prom Party Evening Funeral Dress Shoes For Women Comfortable Sexy Dressy Cute Ankle Strap Zip Up Strappy Slingbacks (orange)

just purchased a gun off of temu

the new pope should have been daniel radcliffe. no clue if he's catholic but i know that little man loves doing weird shit

i can’t believe they took away the curly cords on phones. “but natalie,” you DARE to challenge, “technology evolves!” okay??? you took away my fidget rope. now what am i supposed to finger fuck while the person on the other end drones on about their dipshit day????

you know what, you're right. like my appointment, michelle is hereby cancelled

@ michelle hope ur reading this bb girl, see you in court after i finish crashing tf out (jk we love michelle and the only time i'd see her in court would be if we got MARRIED, which we WON'T because that's UNETHICAL as she is my THERAPIST)

my therapist cancelled on me today. time for mama to do something reckless and unwise that unnecessarily complicates her life for the next 6-12 years 😎

just got the worst phone call of my life. i'm no longer allowed at the movie theater on account of my evil bird companion

horrible news i took a selfie