thinking about a time a guy pointed at my tattoo and asked me “what’s that supposed to be” and I replied “a tattoo :)” and he seemed so mad. and he never invited me to anything again although that’s maybe because I suck for various other reasons

My date: So what kind of future goals do you have for yourself?

Me: [mouth full of rolls] Yeah a lot more of posting memes I think

[introducing a girl to my parents]
these are the roommates i was telling you about

ME: why is it called dental records and not tooth-factor authentication?

DENTIST: *drills into my tongue*

I sure do watch a lot of reality cooking shows for someone who can’t cook or deal with reality.

Therapist: I want you to be yourself when we talk.

Me: (wearing Scooby Doo mask) Ruh-roh

Me: Normalize mental health issues!

Also me: (someone sees me taking my meds) These are vitamins to make my hair grow

Him: You really need to work on your communication skills

Me: [through Megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC

Me: Normalize mental health issues!

Also me: (someone sees me taking my meds) These are vitamins to make my hair grow

*accidentally buys maternity jeans*

Oh, wow. These are perfect.

Me: I’m going to start eating better and exercising so I have more energy.

Depression: (sucking on a toothpick) See, here’s the thing. I don’t give a shit about any of that.

Therapist: I want you to be yourself when we talk.

Me: (wearing Scooby Doo mask) Ruh-roh

I doubt Charles Darwin would be fit to survive today, considering he had ZERO computer experience.

I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.

if Mountain Dew lowers your sperm count explain the entire population of West Virginia

Did he just call me immature? Hold my sippy cup

If a bear attacks you play dead. Unless it’s a koala bear then kiss it right on the mouth

Me: [being murdered]

Murderer: Ok, you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.

Me: I have no friends

My bed: Wow, I’m like right here

ohh noooo, it's darth vader, the dude with asthma who dresses like a goth, i'm freakin out

"Hey nerd, who brings a friggin book to a bar?"

*my eyes narrow as I close my worn copy of Advanced Techniques for Winning Barroom Brawls*

Lol Also hiiii, Kalvin!

[playing poker]

FRIEND: I’m all in

ME: [yearning for this type of commitment since we first met] me too, man, I’m all in too

FRIEND: um, a pair of kings

ME: you bet we are

Those Lethal Weapon movies are so unrealistic. There’s no way Mel Gibson is friends with a black guy

Him: You really need to work on your communication skills

Me: [through Megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC

*busts into break room*

Me: I’m here!

Coworker: What?

Me: You called me!

Coworker: I just opened a can of Spaghetti O’s for lunch.

Me: See? You called me!

Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate

Him: Goodbye forever

Me: [in bathtub eating chicken pot pie] WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT INTERRUPTING POT PIE TIME?

Would an imaginary girlfriend do this?

*rolls up sleeves revealing hickeys on arm*

*donates body to science*

Science: eh, that’s ok we’re good