Jimmy L 📚

in New York it's not a piccolo.

you'd need to swear in a new one every couple months. you wouldn't want to trust a doddering 40-day-old fruit fly with the nuclear codes.

there are different words depending on where you're putting the retainer.

Ike didn't need to prove himself to make up for bone spurs.

at the same time every morning

I didn't need someone to tell me not to bring a knife to a gunfight. I needed someone to tell me not to bring a beagle to the prom.

either way by 2028 i hope to have saved up enough for a coffin.

listen, i'll wage war for half that. i'll need an advance for bus fare.

same here. my mother didn't have income. my father had no college degree and paid for 4 kids to go to college.

my tuition at a state school was $3,200 per year. a station wagon full of food was around $100.

"I look forward to some independence and finding new spaces[*] to share my work in line with my personal goals."
Scott MacFarlane

[*] typo: should read "finding new species"
(I'm looking too.)

Who's "they?" Who does he think would force him to choose? That's just plain weird.

"President of what?"

Snake Pliskin

I'm finally beginning to understand Reincarnation Tuesdays.

I can't get myself to be part of any group that has members.

I ran out of latex gloves.

me: it was my years in the boxing ring that caused my memory loss.

her: you've never had memory loss.

me: really? was i a boxer?

her: no.

me: i must have someone else's memory loss.

It's hard to believe we're in Hell already. I'm still writing Purgatory on my checks.

ROMULAN!!!!!

It's OK. Parents don't have to give their kids 8 decades of life. 2 is enough.

Doctor: What's your blood type?

Me: 60 words per minute.

Update: Yesterday the Peace Prize was spotted in a boat leaving Venezuela. AI recognized it despite the spots and drones were dispatched to liberate it. The Prize was not found among the floating wreckage, leading the White House to believe the Peace Prize may have defected to Cuba.

New reporting reveals that Iran was attacked because they are holding Donald Trump's Nobel Peace Prize hostage. A Special Farces spokesperson said that we will get that peace prize back if we have to kill every person on Earth.

That's Gorsuch.

how do I get them to move out?

it's OK. you've taken a drug. in a few days the rodeo will wear off.

no, i'm not saying amelia earhart survived her crash & then was eaten by crabs
yes, i am insane

YouTube listing TEDx Talks Emily Jenkins: Are cats and their parasites taking over the world?

I am not a parasite! I am a human being!

you never forget your first whale.

strictly for kindergarten hazing

"perhaps you're not acquainted with my sperm whale's esophagus," he said smiling with a far-away look of fond memories.