𝓤𝓷𝓬𝓵𝓮 𝓓𝓲𝓷𝓰𝓵𝓮𝓷𝓾𝓽 𝓙𝓻

I’m awake. Honestly I’m not excited about it but I’m willing to see where this plays out.

I cannot drown my demons, they know how to surf.
Or whatever A day to remember said.

Ok wow, unfollowing now. I was into the fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases, escapes, true love, and miracles, but I was not aware this was a kissing book.

I don’t care who you are, if you stick your dick in my potato salad I am taking your jetski out for a midnight rendezvous.

The Inner machinations of my mind are an enigma.

Lost the article, a new study finds that women spend more time thinking about what men are thinking about than men actually spend thinking.

Your bio says you’re 6 foot.
But I can clearly see you only have two!

He wear no shoeshine, he got... toe-jam football, he got...monkey finger, he shoot...Coca-Cola

Don’t add to the population.
Don’t subtract from the population.
Don’t end up in the hospital, on the news or in jail.
If you do end up in jail, establish dominance quickly.

a man with his eyes closed is holding his head Alt: Charlie Day with his eyes closed is massaging his temples as a large math equation is imposed over image.

My 4 year old niece just told me “boys and girls are different because girls have brains and boys have wieners” I was stuck for a second but yeah I mean she’s not wrong.

The three hardest things for someone to say.
1. Iam sorry
2. I need help
3. Worcestershire sauce.

To whoever stole my anti-depressants, I just hope you’re happy.

Swiss cheese is a ripoff, only cheese you can buy into and miss.

It’s time to chew ass bubbles and kick gum, and I’m all out of bubbles?

My therapist suggested an emotional support animal. I got a chicken, deep friend and came with a biscuit.

Lifetime supply. And lethal dose are the same thing.

There isn’t enough gum in the galaxy to stop the ass kicking you’re about to get

A day without sunshine is like, ya know… night .

Post your favorite Star Trek character. Wrong answers only.

I wouldn’t be worried about smart phones or Alexa spying on ya. The vacuum cleaner’s been gathering dirt on you for years.

My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.

I came I saw, forgot what I was doing. Retraced my steps got distracted on my way back, I have no idea what’s going on and now I have to piss.

If I'm scared to make friends, does that make me homiephobic?

The only thing bigger than my massive wiener is my willingness to lie about its size!

I’m Ricky Bobby. If you haven’t watched Hundreds of beavers, then f–k you

Third movie no one was taken? I might have to watch that…

TIL: there are 3 taken movies. I assume this is true I literally never finished the first one… wait are all three the same guy young obi wan kenobi? That’s bad parenting…

You ever got beaten with a wet spaghetti noodle by your girlfriend, because she has a twin sister and you got confused and Fucked her father? That’s what it feels like to drive a ford F-350.

"Life doesn't always wanna be your friend... you can't just hide, cuz nobody likes a quitter. You gotta take chances".

Before you judge someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.