Unmehlievable

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You're fooling no-one, April

For April Fool's this year, I'm just gonna continue believing I'll fit into old clothes again

You’re almost as terrible as me, let’s make out.

I can't stop booking trips overseas.

I'm a compulsive flier

Pop fact

Morrissey's Dad was the founder of UK supermarket, Morrisons

You had these for breakfast? What's for lunch? Special K? 😆

a close up of a man 's face with pantomime.it on the bottom right ALT: a close up of a man 's face with pantomime.it on the bottom right

Is that a pity laugh? I'll take anything

Saw a group of fans eager for Rick Astley's autograph. They weren't giving up. He signed everything. He doesn't let people down

Taking someone’s panties off with your teeth is a lot harder when they’re denim.

Launch me into the sun like one of your French girls.

Sorry the grammar was wrong in my Latin tweet, but I barely speak English, cut me some slack.

My sparkling personality brings the babes home, my macaroni and cheese filled water bed keeps em coming back.

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, thinking about how I wish this was over so I could go home and eat pizza.

“Sorry, I have to take this call."

"That's a banana. And it's half eaten."

*covers banana with hand

"I don't tell you how to do business."

I'm on a need to know basis with reality right now and hoo boy I don't need to know a fucking thing.

Sorry for the way I am when I'm conscious

Size of sighs on a seismic scale.

Just because I'm behaving like a mature adult doesn't mean I don't want to turn into an octopus and bitch slap the shit out of you with all eight of my big floppy tentacles.

I yearn for the early days of social media when all we did was debunk spirit photography and lounge around in the parlour, sipping on laudanum whilst slowly dying of consumption.

A group of shoppers should be called a maul.

I'm working on an Agatha Christie inspired murder mystery called Who Left an Empty Pizza box in the Fridge?

Don't forget to pack an extra lunch for your existential dread today.

How Kate Bush could sing AND run up that hill at the same time is fucking beyond me.

Behind every great man there's a hormonal woman just itching to try the Vulcan nerve pinch.

I have multiple questions and want answers for none of them

My own version of an extreme sport is making it to the front door before my neighbour talks to me.

Where there's a will, there's a why tho?