John’s Winter Arc (hibernation)

It's international women's day so if I've ever made you laugh you owe me an international woman

Dear Diary,
I found a new wrinkle today…

when i worked at a grocery store, one of my favorite bits to do was sit in a cage and wait for people to come by so i could tell them i was a rat

“safety in numbers” i whisper, while filling my purse with donuts

If we’re talking and I give you 3 “that’s crazies” and a “wow”, it’s time to stop. I’ve completely checked out.

They had Runner Ducks at Tractor Supply today and long story short I’m buying a farm.

Even the biggest problems in the world just fade away when you're stuck in traffic and need to pee.

i am mad as a waterlogged rooster I actually don’t know how mad that is but it sounds like a lot

please accept my sincerest oopsie daises

I'd be so ready to enter my girl living in a lonely castle in the
depth of the country era.

The cam filter stays on during sex.

i like how doorknobs wait until you’re really irritated before they catch your belt loop

I’d be so hot if I was hot

our company’s monthly SEO report says our top keyword is up 69 positions and now my tongue hurts from biting it so hard

i burst up from the flames of hell for this?

sooo can I donate someone else’s plasma for money

my hobbies include taking pictures of my cat and then looking at pictures of my cat

Beer before liquor,

Yes Please!

I enjoy when people I follow call someone out who I’ve already blocked.

*rage colors a picture of a rainbow and flowers then crumples it up and nicely hands it to you

Choose a word. Think of it. Keep it to yourself, noone cares.

For whom the cat kneads

Acting mysterious when in reality I just lost my train of thought

Joke, joke, bad joke, politics, news, joke, man in weird underpants lying on his bed.

[at a spider wedding]

congratulations to the newlywebs

Share your coffee with me and I'll give you my heart.

strengths: pouring wine in the dark