Bob Heller

I'm pretty sure my plumber isn't a classic video game fan because he got all angry when I threw a barrel at him.

itsa me mar10

Is your girlfriend wife material? I'm building a giant wife.

WIFE: he calls blueberries “bloobs”

DIVORCE LAWYER: my god

By the way, the end is near.

If we have to evacuate the Earth, they better not just let all the Aarons on first cuz that's not really fair.

Sprung forward.

Clutched a baby antelope by the neck, first with my claws and then with my teeth, wrestled it to the ground, tightening my clench until the life left its body.

The search on bluesky ain’t great. I think you need exact wording to find anything. I guarantee I wasn’t the first to make this joke either when I posted it on the app formerly known as Twitter but I’m not going to beat myself up over being innocently unoriginal.

Sprung forward.

Crashed through a pane of glass being carried by two aloof construction workers just like in the movies.

Sprung forward.

Tweaked my bad back.

Sprung forward.

And startled my neighbor, Tina.

Sprung forward.

Pulled a hammy.

Turning the clocks forward to a time when he's finally dead

Melt a bunch of giant clocks, so I know it's surreal.

A closeup portrait of Bob Heller maniacally laughing, most likely at his own jokes. Often confused for a devil because of his constant severe sunburn and calcium deposits on his forehead, Bob Heller is just a man.

Muah ha ha ha haha ha ha ha haa haaa ha ha haa <cough cough> oh but I did.

JUDGE: I sentence you to 37 years in prison
ME: nah
JUDGE: what
ME: I’m not vibing that
JUDGE: I see
ME: yeah
JUDGE: I guess you’re free to go then
ME: peace out my robed brother
JUDGE: that is the coolest guy I’ve ever seen it was an honor to let him go

Your mom plays classical music in a whorechestra.

Went to the Bone Temple and they were worshipping your mom

🎵WAR!!! HUH!!!! What is it-🎵

Oh man, I think I shit my pants…Yup. I shit my pants when I sang/yelled, “huh.”

Oh jeez.

You still can. Let’s be unoriginal TOGETHER!!!!!

BULL: No idea what color that cape is. I’m color blind.

GOOSE: I can’t see colour either.

BAT (stops playing piano): I can hear you, mutha fuckers. Cry me a fuckin’ riv-

HOWLER MONKEY: PLAY “WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD!!!!!!!!”

BAT: Yeah man, sorry (starts playing) 🎶 I see skies of bl- MUTHA FUC

Top Gun sympathy card that says TALK TO ME, GOOSE on the front.

Talk to me, Goose...
[inside]
...about the feelings of loss you're experiencing and what you're going through.

I was today years old when I found out that I’m terribly unoriginal

Did I ever tell you guys, I was rescued from gang life by a very kind, loving priest?

Touching story.

i saw my priest at a strip club outside of town. it was kind of awkward, but i have to admit he was surprisingly flexible

Josh Groban could sing the phone book.

But if he does it by me, I’m gonna punch him in the throat.

Steinbeck: What did you think of my draft of 𝘖𝘧 𝘔𝘰𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘔𝘢𝘯?

Publisher: It needs more characters.

Steinbeck: I'll see what I can do.

Definitely one of the top 5 borealises, for sure.

Aurora Borealis

The Aurora Borealis is probably my favorite Borealis.

Maybe I’ll just learn to roller skate real good