mindflakes

i wish bears could drive i’d really like to be driven around by a bear

People used to runaway and join the circus. Now I don’t know what they do

Know Your Birds:
Pigeon - Default bird
Seagull - Noisy bird
Dog - This one isn't a bird
Kangaroo - Neither is this one
Octopus - Also not a bird

Son, when I was your age, apples were as big as watermelons, they were green on the outside, and when you cut ‘em open, they were red and juicy inside and tasted like watermelon

I’ve been thinking about items ever since I saw one

Sometimes you want to lure your nemesis into the catacombs for a perfectly innocent reason. Everyone's so paranoid these days

if you really love a piece of art you should be allowed to eat it

there should be more songs about goo and slime

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, followed closely by Breakfast 2, Lunch, Dark Lunch, Breakfast 4 and Midnight Casserole Buffet

i would sign anything handed to me by a chimpanzee in a suit

Me and my twelve identical brothers are going to stand at different places around town and point at you from afar.

unfortunately it isn't possible to adjust a wristwatch to account for the switch to daylight saving time. there are plenty of hucksters out there who claim it can be done, but the reality is that your watch is now defective and must be discarded in a fresh waterway such as a river or swimming pool

Someone should make a miniature bulldozer that can be operated by a housecat. Generally I don't think cats should be allowed to operate bulldozers but I think we can all agree it would be pretty funny to see at least once

I wanna learn Latin but I’m afraid I might mispronounce some words and accidentally cast a spell.

Telling the guy with the parmesan to “make it rain”

Joined a new group oscillating at high frequency in the park on weekends

The snake is the eel of the land and the eel is the snake of the water. There are also water snakes, which are the land eels of the water. Sometimes eels go across land as well, which makes them the water snakes of the land (distinct from water snakes, which are land eels of the water, as mentioned)

It's valid to tell people "I have plans" if your plans are to sit on your couch. That's a type of plans

The correct number of facts to know is 80. Any less than that and you're a dullard, any more and you're a know-it-all. Choose your facts carefully. "Recycling is collected on Mondays" = Good fact. "Lisbon is the capital of Portugal" = Frivolous nonsense

I have a way with worms.

the best way to eat a circular food is to rotate it very fast and take little bites until it disappears. hamsters are right about this

You can’t outrun the consequences of being stupid forever, but sometimes you don’t notice them, due to being stupid

I've formed a covenant with 6 other residents in my building where we all joint-own a single toaster and we each get to use it 1 day of the week. Also sometimes we solve mysteries together

it should be socially acceptable to lick your plate clean if the meal was so good it moved you to do so

Using a crowbar to pry the metal panels off the side of a bus so I can harvest the succulent busmeat within

Me: It’s Friday
People on here: It’s Friday for me as well
Me: We agree
People: Yes for this whole day

birds are such fascinating creatures. they can fly and sing, all the things humans dream of. they can even eat worms

Big fan of this idea. You could call them squasages

Square pizzas should be the standard. Square drinks and sides too. "Give me 17 square inches of dinner," you could say

You can drop your unwanted nail clippings or clumps of hair in any of the earths many crevices. The strange hybrid creatures who live down there will thank you warmly for the gesture