I join zoom meetings the second the lobby opens because I’m terrible at keeping track of time so every meeting recording begins with 20 minutes of me sitting there alone eating a salad
poker
this motherfucker forgot to knock on wood!
biden supporters the last 5 years: it’s not like the president has a giant lever that increases prices
the trump administration: then we’ll invent one!
sorry for failing to mention this earlier, but my usual stance that the president doesn’t control oil prices has a carve out for if they unilaterally start a war against an opec country without congressional approval
Selling a mattress on craigslist, wanting people to know it's not gross, writing "Did not have sex on mattress" then worrying they'll think I'm a loser and changing it to "Had a lot of sex on mattress"
I’ve never seen full metal jacket, but I had enough toxic friends in high school that I can quote literally every single line from memory
[proudly turning to my wife only to find she’s vigorously shaking her head no]
me [acting like I know what my friends are talking about]: the only person I’m doxxing is my beautiful wife!
I can’t believe the leasee of the 2025 nobel peace prize would spark a conflict in iran
stuffed crust is truly the fire ants in the devil’s pants of american pizza chain restaurants
muppets challenge, say the word “phenomena” out loud without getting this song stuck in your head youtu.be/QTXyXuqfBLA
it’s adorable when my 7 year old opens his book report with “if you have a population of 10 million people, you just might be new york city “, but it hits different from a grown man with an editor
they really used the cumtown font over a shot of the health secretary guzzling a white liquid
“The interest on the debt is much lower than a capital-gains tax bill would be, and their stock portfolios can continue accumulating paper gains.”
even if this weren’t true, it should be obvious that paying interest to a bank instead of paying taxes is very very bad for society
thanks victor, I’ll try that
systemic factors for me, individual responsibility for thee
does the president have the power to put more carcinogens in our garden products?
leaked report reveals trump administration’s plan to instill controlled opposition that they abandoned once they realized chuck schumer was the best possible candidate
even as far as sexist stereotypes are concerned, childless cat ladies is dated. all the women i know who opt out of having kids are because they're trying to make partner at a big 5 firm
how are “I got your back” and “I got your ass” opposites?
they’re about to unintentionally discover how sailboats work
“dan, i see you came off mute, what were you going to say”
me: oh nothing, it’s kind of a derail
“go ahead, this is a brainstorm session, there’s no bad ideas”
me: it’s just— I was thinking fishing would be a lot easier if they wore shirts
luckily, this post is satirical and no mechanic would ever say such a thing
taking my blindfold off after doing the pepsi challenge to find I chose glacier freeze
that’s gotta be a top 10 worst place to put poison
elon really saw a “men will literally go to the moon instead going to therapy” and said “good idea”
appreciate the clarity, I was really wondering at that part of the review whether it was good
“isn’t it don’t make perfect the enemy of—“
me: see, this is what I mean!
me, giving feedback: good is the enemy of great
me, receiving feedback: let’s not make good the enemy of perfect
