My sex dreams always end with me trying to explain how my foot got stuck in the bucket

Writing nothing but “pump up the jams” in every section of my employee self evaluation

a woman in a fairy costume is smiling and holding a magic wand Alt: a woman in a fairy costume is smiling and holding a magic wand

Opportunistic power hungry social climber leverages fortuitous event to eliminate all political opponents and consolidate power base to take over the world.

#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly

Salon sign reads “Guaranteed Shorter Hair.”

“Meeting expectations since 1994.”

Todays "Trust me bro" fact of the day: Waldo was a defective secret agent and we were being used in an effort by the underground belly of the government to find him.

A young man with short hair is speaking, with the text overlay reading "NIKLAS HJALMARSSON - MEATBALL ENTHUSIAST."

He's no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they're the snooziest
He can't make smalltalk
He's just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he's the choosiest
He's

People: 8-Month-Old Baby Goes Viral After Hairdresser Mom Gave Her a 'Fresh' Set of 22 Inch Extensions (Exclusive)

Baby with 22inch hair extensions

This photo is funnier than it has any business being

people.com/hairdresser-...

putting a rotisserie chicken on each hand and boxing people at costco

Out of all the multiverses across infinite timelines in any dimension why did my consciousness have to be aware in this one? pfflt

Coworker: How can I convert to PDF?

Me: Pagan Darkness Fellowship? I'm so glad you decided to join us!

Coworker: ...I'll just ask Dave.

#DelcyRodriguez Please call an open snap election. This democratic process will empower a Venezuelan citizen to be president. It will demonstrate to the world that Venezuela is now an open democracy which expects its sovereignty to be respected. You will be written in history as a hero.

[making porn] ok guys now let's do a silly one

I'd never get a chip implanted in my brain for fear of seeing funeral home commercials as I'm dying.

FedEx guy just pulled up pulled some big boxes off his truck and then put them back in and drove off so now I know how my dog feels when I come back in because I forgot my keys

How can the world be observably more ridiculous from one day to the next?

Attention all shoppers: your store rewards program is now tied to your performance at scanning and bagging your groceries in the self-checkout line

football’s all like gimme that coconut i want it it’s beautiful but tennis is all like fuck this stupid lemon i hate it

Sometimes, when I can't sleep I imagine something living undiscovered in the deep ocean rising up and defeating AI at the last moment.

As you go to work today to start another week, it may help to remember that Skeletor was often thwarted by his own inept henchman too

as far as apocalypses go this one has the best alternative milk choices

every cat has main character syndrome and every dog is super stoked to be player two

This is the ad Donald Trump woke up furious about.

Would be a shame if it went viral.

There's a secret group of people walking among us that keep Clamato in business.

There should be a WebMD for pastimes where you type in your new hobby and it tells you if it's a legitimate interest or if you're just hyperfixating.

Do you think John Wick is a training program for Neo

Robocop is a movie about a guy who gets killed on the job and they still made him go back to work

Never show up empty-handed, ya know? Anyway, it's a beautiful home. Hope you guys like feeder crickets.

Somewhere in America, a young Hispanic girl is hiding in an attic writing a diary.