British people absolutely love saying it’s hotter than either Spain, Greece or Turkey.

The post-bank holiday chat:

“Good bank holiday?”
“Yeah, not bad, quite quiet. You?”
“Yeah, it was nice, thanks, just saw the family. Ate a lot!”
“Same”
“Seemed to go by so quickly”
“Yeah… I keep thinking it’s Monday”
“At least it’s a short week”

"There is no place so haunted as the human heart." ~ John Mark Green

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Today in 1856 the Victoria Cross was born, the UK's highest gallantry medal.

I was once lucky enough to hold two VCs. Both awarded during the Indian Rebellion/Mutiny/War of Independence of 1857. The security guard hovered close by!

Dame Elizabeth Taylor 1955 by Frank Worth

Meanings of “that went well”

1. That went as well as I hoped
2. That went slightly better than expected
3. It went pretty badly but it’s fine
4. I didn’t really notice how it went
5. Couldn’t have gone worse really
6. No one died

A picture of a crocheted Robert Smith of The Cure on stage in front of a microphone with a guitar in hand

Boys Don't Crochet

One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’re declining an invitation to sit on a beanbag because “I won’t be able to get up again!”

A Viz Top Tip from the great Kev Caswell-Jones: "Fool your neighbours into thinking you are training to be an opera singer by standing on your patio in a tuxedo belting out 'Nessun Dorma' whilst your wife hides in a tree and shoots strategically placed wine glasses with an air rifle. Kevin Caswell-Jones, Gresford"

Making sure to read the specials board out loud, so the couple dining below it don't think you're just having a good stare at them.

A painting of a bird next to the words "i've seen a lot of weird shit in my life and this is some real weird ass shit"

Tiny bit of frost on the pavement

Pretty snowed in here. Guess I’ll just have to cancel all plans and stay on the sofa this weekend. #arcticblast

A particularly foul-mouthed Viz letter, reading as follows: "If drinking and smoking is so bad for you, then how come squirres, who never do either, only live until they're 5 years old? Explain that one, nature cunts. Grant B Warner, New Zealand"

18.24 and I still haven't had my Christmas 🎄 wank 🤣

A painting of a bird beside the text "fuck holiday cheer"

Nobody in Britain can believe it’s Christmas next week.

Happy Friday The 13th 🪓

Keep calm!!

Don't go swimming
Don't have sex
Don't smoke
Don't drink
Don't go out
Don't split up
Don't run from the killed

If you trip, get back up and hide

And above all!!

Turn on the stupid light before entering a room

#JasonVoorhees
#FridayThe13th

Your back porch? 🤔😉

I'm quite enjoying #SkeletonCrew #StarWars #justsaying 🤷

Could two followers please copy and re-post this tweet to show that someone is always there?

National Suicide Prevention Hotline

Call: 0800 689 5652 (UK)
1-800-273-8255 (USA)
1.833.456.4566 (Canada)

Copy... not retweet

Freaks!!!

Time spent locating items in supermarket: 5 minutes

Time spent pretending to look at things you don't need while someone gets out of the way: 57 minutes

Your decorators were so preoccupied with whether or not they COULD put Christmas lights on palm trees, they didn't stop to think if they SHOULD put Christmas lights on palm trees.🎄

Milky Way

It’s 1st of December. Mull everything. Mull the wine, mull the cider, mull your tea, mull the tap water, mull the cat, mull the carpet, mull the chairs. Mull it all! Get your hair cut in a mullet. Mull the Kintyre. Mull the halls with boughs of holly. Get everything mulled. FULL MULL AHEAD!

Mrs Slocombe comes to mind 😉

Pen sketch of Robert Smith of The Cure.