they did see the rest of it though, and never thought to give them feedback. this is how i know they’ll never change, and they’ll do it again. they’re surrounded my a narc family who can’t see the fault in their own even when it’s blatant. and they’ll discard you if you try and point it out.
they called her it. “scared of losing it and having to start over”, the reason they asked her to be monogamous. “needed it as an escape or i’m ganna kill myself because of my job” i still don’t understand how no one in their life said anything to them besides me. though they didn’t see the abuse.
they knew her less then one month before they used suicidal threats to manipulate me into bending my boundaries. they knew her a month and a week before they physically abused me for not breaking my boundaries, and conceding my needs in our relationship and navigating poly.
i wish i loved you less. because it’s hard to know you’re hurting, but i don’t want you hurting anyone else. if no one in your life will hold you accountable, you will do it again. you genuinely don’t care about the pain you cause, you said yourself, you don’t feel emotions the way you should
i’m sorry that that means you won’t have anything to show for your years in. at least you won’t have the scars i live with from staying with you through it all. i’m not ganna feel guilty for you receiving the consequences of your actions towards me. not anymore.
i wouldn’t have told the guard if you were safe to be in the house with me. i didn’t make you hurt me, i didn’t make you r*pe me. i did make you anxious and you chose to respond with abuse. i did call them when you wouldn’t leave the house after all that, which i had already put up with for years.
this is literally them starlight touring him. i’m so fucking heartbroken and angry. gladue.usask.ca/node/2860
where is justice for Nurul Amin Shah Alam? when will those charged with holding the guilty accountable demand that justice?
the second court is over i’m posting screenshots. i’m sick to my
stomach the more i see and i hope it’s before you hurt anyone else
when we were joking about Ai psychosis you had already been using a bot for a month and had in the time decreased her age from “middle age” to “young anime like chick” to “young very young subservient and self conscious girl” 🙃🙃🙃
same reason why they won’t pick up their shit, even though the dogs would love to see them. because they want to pretend they are someone else. but someday they’ll realize: where ever you go, there you are.
they are so good at faking love but they only see the people and animals they love as property put their to give them attention and praise. they only want to young dog, because they don’t care about what the dogs need, and want to avoid the painful part. they are running still and hiding in fantasy
the way i was planning on still moving across the country with them, after 4 years of them becoming an abuser i didn’t hardly recognize anymore, just to ensure our dog would have them their and that they’d be able to say goodbye… and now they’ve just chosen to abandon her… financially and physically
i hope someday i’ll heal enough from what you did to wish you well. but until that day i hope you suffer
but at least right now i can hang onto that anger for her. because no matter who’s your sick mind justified all the shit you put me through the last four years, and no matter how much i blame myself for letting you, for hiding and dissociating rather than confronting. i can’t justify this for you.
i need to get better at being mad because i just keep ending up at pity. like you’re a child. i know that’s the conditioning that helped you never have to be held accountable, like you’re not an adult who made their own bed. that’s what makes finally holding you accountable now so hard.
if you could have gotten help, taken accountability, or really done anything but deal with your stress through abuse, addiction, and neglect, and then deal with your guilt through paranoia, projection, and more abuse, you could have been here right now for her.
thing is, i let so much go for so long it’s really didn’t have to end this way. i had all but made peace with you getting physical, rationalized and excused it. and buried the rest away.
i wish i could stop pitying you for having the face consequences for your own actions. today’s our dogs 14th birthday and she doesn’t deserve you not being here. it sucks. but i should be angry with you, not feel bad for you, that’s the conditioning.
then maybe i can forgive myself for being such a good accomplice
and i can learn again how to be that accomplice to myself
and reach down and pull myself out
and never have to wonder again
if you’re out there sad without your accomplice.
since i could find a way to always prioritize reassuring you
to forgive it all
or at least forget
and i am good
maybe too good
at understanding
why people do the harm they do
good enough that i could always find a way to forgive you
for the anger
the aggression
the lies
betrayal and confusion
the rape
for all the damage you’ve done
still do
but your accomplice is part of me
and i can not hate them
for what they did to survive
trust me
i have tried
it doesn’t help anyways
“the bruises weren’t bad,”
“they said they were there before,”
“they said you were the monster,”
…
“but what if they are sad?”
…
i know now i am your accomplice still
and i am not sure i’ll ever be free
of this duty you strapped to me
like a bomb
i sit alone in this pit
because you were never going to clean up the mess
after all that’s a job for your accomplice
and i hear my own voice calling down
reciting the words i used
to cover and to soothe
“my accomplice”
not a problem
not a human
not someone who might want anything more than the scraps you provided inside these walls
walls that moved
but only inward
the second you felt me moving too much
by wanting
or needing
disagreeing
asking
…
begging
…
crying
the life we built
you and your accomplice
learning not to want and need
or to take up space emotionally
after all
i was supposed to be your happy,
your joy,
…
your escape.
…
“your partner in crime,”
did you know when you said that
what those words would come to mean?
a life i thought once had love
a life i spent years telling myself was enough
could be enough
one i could be fine with, if only you’d just stop
“if i could be fine, maybe you’d stop,”
“i’m over-reacting,”
“i haven’t been present enough,”
but i wasn’t present
i wasn’t present
when you decided to fuck me
…
and now you’re gone
but your accomplice remains
alone in this pit
the bombed out remains of a life i once had
