i mentioned being a little sad on my personal insta and like 5 different people tried to make plans with me....i still dont feel super great overall (im trying) but it felt nice to be thought of i guess
idk. made me notice something with the way im treated/feel offline and online
honestly im starting to think that if i went offline forever nothign would actually change because like. wow i am not missed huh
ok. went to the goth club as izuru kamakura
digital girl who loses resolution when she gets horny because all her processing is going to her dick. you fluster her and she clearly drops to her lowest LOD pure triangular but her dick jumps to like 6k polys ray traced the works
i hope i get hit by a car again today and it sctually keeps me down
when did everythjng stop being fun. why is it now when i have such amaizng things coming up i should be excited for. i want to cancel all of it and never be seen again
im trying so hard to keep it together so im not a burden snd im not inconveniencing or stressing anyoje out but from the moment i wake up j can feel everything screaming at me to just hurry up and die
ok going to bed i hope i feel wanted by tomorrow
i feel like i cant look forward to anything without feeling scared im going to jeopardize it somehow or upset people. im like waiting for catastrophe like all the time nowadays. i keep thinking im going to die like randomly in the middle of the day and i have to just push that down and keep going???
i have passions and things i want to do but my body doesnt let me do most of them whether its my brain or my energy levels and like. this is no fucking way to live man. its not fair that its bad enough that all the good things just get drowned out too
i dont want to seem ungrateful but this has made me so so so so so so incredibly miserable. idk if ive always had this or if its something thats just getting worse or if its new but all i want to do is sleep and rot
anyway i got distracted and lost my train of thought. haha. i cant even vent without this being a problem
and honestly? i dont care. i dont care how much someone claims that its actually fine bc i dont even know what will help me at this point, im in therapy, and i fail to understand the middle of two extremes in any given situation. am i taking care of myself. am i lazy. am i distant. am i clingy.
no one ever comes to me for comfort or support (which is fine this isnt me complaining) but it puts into perspective how much me trying to do what everyone tells me (reach out! vent!) is perhaps. well. makes me feel horrible, actually. bc afaik i dont think many people are doing this to eachother
part of my very bad spiral is going up to anyone literally anyone doesnt matter how trusted they are to me feels like getting my eyes gauged out. ill draft out like 10 messages to different people begging for help (dont even know what i need. i feel like i always need something) and then delete them
like it doesnt matter what the circus monkey (me) does it will not get anything in return other than a "cool thanks for appearing during my scroll sesh and entertaining me heres a like in support/agreement/third thing" i dont care what it means at this point it makes me feel less human
i hate it so much. i know thats the way social media works but it really feels like i have 20,000 eyes on me waiting for me to do soemthing and it doesnt matter what it is whether post art im really proud of or cry my heart out im getting a big fat OKAY! from both strangers and close friends
anyway i feel safer being bleak and depressing on here cause im not gonna get a hoard of very well intentioned people staring at me while smashing a big thumbs up on my forehead (which will always make me break down but theres no nice way to say that)
im supposed to just act like im okay? every day??
staying healthy and available and active and social and happy and alive is really exhausting im not gonna lie
okay I made her fatter still just because you guys were going so feral for the last one
#nsfwart #oc #riotdrawsthings
drawing of 3 people engaging in awesome sex one person is wearing a cow mask and an apron and is pushing another person's head with her boot. the second person is sucking the third person's dick and has like. cum dripping down their mouth and nose. i hate writing this so much. on the left is the third person's face in a little bubble and she's like covering her face all embarrassed
ummm. yeah alright
i love letting thr butcher be weird and possessive and controlling yay
teehee. ..smiles so big and wide. i think putting them in situations is the hottest thing ever
tch...i can do better. but i needed to get this out of my system
this angle was absolute fucking bootycheeks to draw but i dont wanna keep fucking with it
drawing of 3 people engaging in awesome sex one person is wearing a cow mask and an apron and is pushing another person's head with her boot. the second person is sucking the third person's dick and has like. cum dripping down their mouth and nose. i hate writing this so much. on the left is the third person's face in a little bubble and she's like covering her face all embarrassed
ummm. yeah alright
she was very cute.....i remember the dream starting w her showing me her steamdeck i think she was playing a raunchy ass newgrounds flash game.....her handsbwere sweaty and her bangs were stuck to her forehead im kind of in love
