Seriously Susan

The desperate attempt at humor will continue until the world is no longer so heartless and grim my god it is so grim

You’re my goddamned hero

I know I would hit Stephen Miller so hard it would break my hand, but that's what insurance is for.

Beautiful girl! I had an orange girl. They are only 20% of the orange cat population. Just as weird, though.

Heater with giant, expressive eyeballs, peering into a bathtub with her little white paws on the lip of the tub. Her body is roughly the size of a shampoo bottle.

I can't get over this picture of Heater. Every time @katmabu.bsky.social takes a bath, she acts like she's witnessing the Hindenburg explosion for the first time. This cat is SIX years old. Pixar-ass cat. I love her so much.

ME: *orders in fluent French to impress you*

WAITER: Sir, this is a Japanese restaurant.

ME: ¡Dios mío!

I joined a work Teams call this morning and the host described everyone who arrived early as "keen beans". Now my laptop doesn't work, because I threw it out of the window.

America: [1776-?] Some great ideas marred by poor direction and unlikable characters. Greed, bigotry, and gratuitous violence. ★★☆☆☆

Me: i gotta go home. i’m bleeding & my computers broken

Boss: looks like you just slammed your head through the computer screen

Me: what is this CSI?

I would like very much, in the new world order, to lead the Department of Consequences for the Rich & Entitled.

🎯🎯

I wish my ears had lids too. earlids. I wish I could close my ears when I wasn’t using them

“anyway so how’s your flesh prison been tho”

peta says its disgusting to own pets, so me and my wife are sending our chihuahua out into the wild, to live free as he was meant to. “good luck out there, Poptart!” i yell, moments before he’s scooped up by a medium sized bird.

Anyone know how I can go outside and make a snow angel without getting the least bit cold or wet?

How long does it take a Happy Meal to start working?

Be nice to people with glasses. We pay to see you

i still have 4 days left to win an olympic medal

Hello, I’m RFK Jr. I would suck anything that moves for a half a gram of black tar heroin. Here are my guidelines for vaccinating your newborn baby.

Here's compromised John Fetterman bragging about working with grifting MAGA Katie Britt while
unaccountable masked goins murder people in the streets.

Also: No mention of the epstein files.

Primary, defeat and hurl this man's career into the sun.

Display of packaged bread and buns in a store with a partially obscured sign that reads, "We will cut you..."

Ciabatta not fuck with them, they don't knead to put up with naan of your shit. You butter believe they'll crumb right at you and you'll be toast, your loaf over. Do you want your mama putting flours on your grave? Crust me, that's just how they roll. Okay, challah at you later.

if an adult plays the trombone in the peanuts universe it sounds like words

[Olympic tryouts]

“Your event?”
“Downhill.”
“Skiing?”
“No. Just going downhill.”
“Huh?”
“Here’s my resume and a picture of me in college.”

We’re officially cancelling the “guilty” part of guilty pleasures. Do not feel guilty about that cringy early 2000’s TV comfort show. Do not feel guilty about that spicy book. Do not feel guilty about that smooth smooth yacht rock or that 90s sitcom with 127 episodes a season. You’ve all earned it.

So many kickable faces in these files

Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon's trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.

Our very first Bring Your Pet to the Zoo Day will also be our very last Bring Your Pet to the Zoo Day. We don’t know what we were thinking.

Ran into my drug dealer today.
She was aggressively polite and wearing a sash.

Good news, crypto bros! Theres never been a better time for you to start smoking