Those bloody Brits

Turns out my wife can hear me mutter 'whatever' under my breath, but cant hear me shout 'WHAT' when shes calling me from the kitchen.

I have to ask, what the fuck is this 'group chat' i see everyone talking about? I only have 2 friends and they dont even know each other

Parents are replacing their coffee machine which is 7yrs old.

Me- thats not old, i have sheets older than that.

Mom- well maybe your sheets arnt getting as much action as our coffee machine.

When your own mother hits you with an espresso shot to the soul 🫣

A blue whales anus can stretch up to 3.5 feet, making it the second largest asshole next to those people that talk on speakerphone in public.

The population of Scotland is about 5.2 million. There's about 600 million cats in the world. If every cat decided to invade Scotland, each Scott would have to fight 115 cats and i really dont think they could pull it off..

Us adults will tell our kids they cant have ice cream for breakfast, then call on the way to work for a large double mocha frappe caramel extra whip cream bukkake from starbucks

I'm really good at opening jars.

Being an adult means you have a total of 3 friends and they all live in different parts of the country and you periodically send each other videos of weird dogs and say "this made me think of you"

Fuck it, burn everything. We all need days like that.

Dont know why people think kids learning about gay relationships in school will turn them gay. I learned about world war 2 in school, but am yet to invade Poland.

GIRLFRIEND: I'm leaving you. You're constantly making up ridiculous idioms instead of just using common ones.

ME: That's fine, Denise. There are plenty more little houses on the prairie.

Its wednesday folks, all downhill to the weekend from here!

We be venturing into fivehead territory here..😁

I was there! That picture was my pc background for about 2 years lol

Asking for a friend.

Thats utterly disgusting!

Where?...

My wife said i need to grow up, but you've have no idea how long i waited for this moment

Ahh, the elusive dickasaurus rex. They must have been having a meeting when the meteor struck

worst cat

Shoutout to this cunt who just honked up some sick and then, while I was cleaning it up, begged me for treats.

That face says 'and i'll do it again too'

This morning i cranked a neighbours petrol mower on the first pull in front of his wife and kids. Yup.

I want a relationship.
*Masturbates*
I dont want a relationship.

A brief history of black holes by Dr Becky Smethurst

Business class

Its not a Sunday unless you completely waste it and then feel really sad around 8pm

Raging dickhole is a new one, i like it.
I'm also stealing it!

November is my favourite month because I’m so attracted to moustaches and prostates.

Im intrigued yet disgusted at the same time. Did you buy and try yet?

Opening a fried fish restaurant, calling it KFSea