🥃

Thank you!

I appreciate it 🙌🏻

If your date is more than 30 minutes late, you’re allowed to start having sex without them.

I don’t care if it’s a lunch date. Those are the rules.

You can learn a lot about a person just by whether they have their phone muted or not.

I poured you a mug of tuna juice, please respond

it's almost like they know what settings you need and just refuse to give them to you

Fucking Thursdays

As bad as Tuesdays

Worse
Maybe

Sore and physically weak, I was concerned I wasn’t recovering from my injury.

(it’s important to drink water👀)

i’m starting to think that if i allowed it our cat would weigh 3000 lbs

Humor is an awesome coping mechanism for anger, anxiety & depression . . . This is why I try to make myself laugh.

The chances are there. Two and two, waiting to be put together.

my electric blanket this year is just me lighting my pubes on fire

Rolling into the cardiologist office with a vape in my bra, in case you were wondering if I'm into health and wellness.

THERAPIST: Remember, the marbles aren't love.

HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPO: I guess I never really thought about it that way...

if you’re reading this, your shitposts are straight up art, bro

Alexa, explain this fuckery

seductively sampling several salamis

finna sew a bunch of labubus together to make an ugly sweater for the Xmas party this year

thank goodness for texting

*every socially awkward person

Oh, hi 😁

I really need to start using this app more often.

The only way to be 😉

😂🙌🏻

Don’t underestimate my ability to make everything weird.

😂 I got you.

🤤

I’m in my chicken Alfredo era.

I am what I had to be, but I’m trying to be more.

It's not the size of your account, it's how you use it

Hey 😏

😏