Stu ~Bat Country~ Nugent

[my awkward ass if i was james bond talking to a hot girl]

the name's jond, bames jond NO WAIT FUCK

presented by craig charles

Looks like I picked the wrong day to quit putting vodka-soaked tampons up my dickhole

screenshot of a kickstarter page titled "Sa: the umbrella reimagined" and a picture of a man holding what appears to be an ordinary umbrella

one of my hobbies is going on kickstarter and searching the word "reimagined"

a weem a way

did you all know lions don't even live in the jungle and you all had a secret agreement not to tell me

was in the shower and had suddenly thought "wait, do lions even live in the jungle?" and had to cut my shower short to google it.

no, no they do not.

"maybe the problem is that bigfoot IS blurry"

-mitch hedberg

I moved to Cyprus and everybody has cool names. My boss is called Socrates. my vet's name is Agamemnon

me: *just having a normal Tuesday at work*

my anxiety: ok but what if we were dying

BwoB Press Release FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE Two Former Alcoholics Launch AI-Powered Sobriety App, BetterWithoutBooze.me New sobriety platform offers AI-driven insights and guidance on users’ recovery journeys LIVERPO...

@zsk.bsky.social Hey Zoe. You covered a story with me a while back about a dodgy orgasm-spotting startup. Mirth all round. I have something else that feels relevant. If you're interested, here's a press release, and I'm available to discuss it. docs.google.com/document/d/1...

be cool if there was a surprise eclipse one day, all the scientists like 'yeah no we just totally didn't see that one coming, dunno what to tell ya, dropped the ball on this one lol'

the phrase "shaft horsepower" is deeply suspicious, maybe cursed

just heard someone say surfing the net and hoo boy does that make me feel old

i hope this email finds you serving the omnissiah even in death

A guy came to me with an app he built. I registered it and came in as a minority shareholder to handle the marketing.

It's his product. He built it. But he added a section where he called me 'our founder'. Strange wave of pride came over me. Like the first time a kid calls their stepfather 'dad.'

Oh I missed your eleventy-eleventh anniversary. Congrats on your sober time, long may it continue.

this is a wildly interesting language fact

I'm sorry sir, we only have the slutty olive oil today

Great to see the UK police take swift and decisive action only 16 years after the story first broke

watching the winter olympics can't help but notice the similar trajectory as modern porn in which everything is a competition to do the most infeasible unparsable things all at once and then give it a name like '7-way triple nose hook backslide grimace'

man i was SO ready to be outraged by this but turns out it's just talcum powder for your fleshlight

@aeris.baby you're like a neutrino of my social media life, you come and go, pop up and disappear erratically, impossible to predict. this could easily be a description of you

this is a fuckin trainwreck of a post

*in court*

judge: you are accused of being square

*i jump on the judges desk*

me: hashtag not all men...

judge: Gah, i find you guilty

*i backflip off the desk

me: ...HAVE PENISES

judge: whoa case dismissed i hereby find you COOL AS FUCK

*me and judge high 5, lawyers go apeshit*

if you wanna get my attention, it should be "do you like smelting iron, forging steel in a cave"

ya know what @annijyn.com sometimes I post something that i know, through some weird seventh sense, that you're gonna be the only person who likes it

if someone tried to woo me with that pina colada song i'd be like no i HATE making love at midnight, we go to bed at 8pm and fuck sleepily for 4 minutes in the morning, put THAT in yer fuckin dumb song

this is the funniest valentine's day promotion i've seen so far

I'm doing great. Left Berlin behind ages ago, it really got on top of me after a while. I think you could probably tell. How's you? How's Sliced?