John Roscoe

"It looks like somebody accessed our pricing data and conspired with our competitors to- oh, wait, hang on... my bad: that was us gouging you on bread prices for decades. *THIS* breach is somebody *ELSE* taking advantage of you."

Did somebody ask for an analogy to describe the mass-to-power ratio of the De Havilland Canadair 515 relative to the weight of water it holds?

Probably not, but here you go anyway:

If it were Ford F-150 -sized, the DHC CL-515 could deliver *40 concert grand pianos /hour.*

SCRATCH & DING SALE!

"Hey! look at me! I’m like little girl in mama shoes."

You hunt around in the cupboard, knock a bunch of things over and root around for a while, but you can't find the lid so you just stretch a length of saran wrap over the leftovers in your tupperware bowl.

Former health minister Rona Ambrose joins board of e-cigarette company Juul Former interim Conservative leader and past federal health minister Rona Ambrose has joined the board of directors for e-cigarette company Juul.

What the heck is it with Conservative politicians plumping for alternative forms of tobacco ingestion?

(At least Ms. Ambrose had the good manners to resign before joining the sales team.)

The path to electability is right there, aglow with exit signs and safety lighting; but then, what would become of Mr. Poilievre?

It's a political party like the Flying Dutchman is The Love Boat.

a man in a suit and tie is laughing with his mouth open Alt: a man in a suit and tie is laughing with his mouth open

"Bad news boss: they got the boat."
"Damn! That Captain's gonna squeal like a pigeon — we gotta whack that guy in custody and-"
"Nah, they blew him up. And the crew, too."
"They did?"
"Kaboom."
"Whaddabout the boat? There's fingerprin-"
"Davy's locker, the whole kit and kaboodle."

The U.S. approach is counterproductive.

When organized crime occurs, you seize the criminal apparatus — collect evidence, arrest perps — and investigate, then expose and curtail the criminal organization.

What you *don't* do is destroy the evidence and kill everybody.

(This ain't rocket surgery.)

In the late '80s / early '90s we discovered that feeding processed bovine meat and bone meal to cattle leads to Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy (BSE or "mad cow disease").

What strange new wonders will come from artificial intelligences cannibalizing themselves?

"There's always been problems in that harbor, shifting sands and fishing boats going to ground for years upon years," he said.

That's no reason chug-a-chug on by while men drown. You may as well have blamed the frozen strawberries.

Would watch.

I'm hosting a footwear-making cobbler's workshop which will feature shoesmiths who swipe their "creations" from packages Amazon leaves on their neighbours' doorsteps.

Alan Hale Jr. as The Skipper on Gilligan's Island.

"...delicious tropical fish, succulent fruit fresh off the vine and nothing but sunshine all day every day and YES two of us are supermodel-beautiful BUT OTHER THAN THAT...."

holy shit

"Of *course* I don't know what's going on," Pierre barks into his phone as his valet ties his shoe, "that's why I need you to cook up dank juicy zingers!" He hangs up, exasperated.
"Ahem."
"What is it, Jeeves?"
"Perhaps if sir were to be security clear-"
"DAMN IT DON'T YOU THINK I WOULD IF I COULD?"

"Wait wait wait... you mean-"
"That's right."
"There was never-"
"It's all pretend."
"And he never-"
"Never existed, yes."
"And the story-"
"One big, fancy make-'em-up, yes."
"So that means... even our conversation right now-"
"Never actually happened, exactly."

One important part of a successful heist is *not* blowing up the stuff you're trying to steal.

Of all the things people do to food to extend its shelf life or stabilize its texture or make apples glossy etc, pasteurization is easily the least invasive, easiest to explain and understand — yet it protects consumers from a rogue's gallery of pathogens.

lt ain't like rocket surgery or something.

"But it's not grammatical!"
"I don't care!"
"Please, Mr. Treat, I beg you to reconsid-"
"Just make the damn sign!"

Indeed! I understand the sentiment behind folks celebrating the unelectability of Mr. Poilievre, but ours is a democracy which functions best when the Opposition is at least moderately informed, intelligent and capable of reasoned argument.

Canadians deserve a better Leader of the Opposition.

MEANWHILE, AT THE STORNOWAY RESIDENCE...

Of course I'm glad everybody's ok and kudos to OPP rescuers, but am I the only one wondering why 23 people were out on the ice together?

Maybe I'm missing the obvious: skating? Fishing?

Not that Robin Hood; the *other* Robin Hood.

Resoundingly rejected by an overwhelmingly "dissatisfied" electorate-at-large, Trump still enjoys the support of 86% of his party! Thank goodness that sort of hyper-siloed, out-of-touch divisive isolationism could never happen in Cana-

I N S E C T O P O L I S

I'll be in my office.

All he has to do is let go of the cranzypants ideas the Conservative fringe espouses — but that sweet, sweet fringe is all that's keeping an unelectable blowhard in residence at Stornoway.

I don't see how they "politics" their way out of this; the party seems doomed to spiral ever further nutsward.

"Ah, hello AI Slop Vendor! My website / tweet / substack article needs a little something to punch it up — a doe-eyed kitten among fluffy chicks, a prime minister among grinning lady hockey players, that sort of thing. Can you help?"

[glorf-pubunnk]

"Perfect! How much do I-"

"First ladle's free."

After days of mounting pressure, the TCDSB announced on Feb. 11 that the board was backtracking on the decision. “The project will be proceeding with full air conditioning,” a TCDSB spokesperson said in an emailed statement to TorontoToday at the time. The next day, Surma, who is also the province’s infrastructure minister, posted to social media criticizing the trustee.

To be clear, the smear campaign orchestrated by Doug Ford's minions to defame a school board trustee was launched not because their demands were unreasonable (the Minister relented and *will* install normal HVAC), but because the trustee was successful.

Can't let voters know trustees are effective!

"Please sir, I'd like a normal HVAC installation to provide safe air cooling in an elementary school."

"What's this what's this? A troublemaker eh? You there — here's half-a-crown: go ye thither calling out, "Oliver Twist is an ungrateful porridge sponge who can't be trusted with a bowl and spoon."