Pronounced a-a-ron

After years of therapy, my therapist has determined that I am cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. Now the healing can begin.

When Vanilla Ice said "Go ninja, go ninja, go! Go ninja, go ninja, go!" I felt that shit in my soul.

Quick question: what the FUCK???

I’m pretty convinced that no one *actually* likes hiking. They do it so they can take pictures for IG and dating profiles.

Excited to be part of the Global Data & AI Virtual Tech Conference, presenting about my books, “Workflow Automation with Microsoft Power Automate” and “Power Platform and the AI Revolution.”

And pardon the glare. Next time, I’ll be sure to powder my fivehead.

Good lord

I’ll send foot warmers

-5 isn’t great tbh

[overlooking a scene with a crushed body under a piano]

Officer: Ok, so tell me again

Witness: he was just saying “whatever happens, happens for a reason”

Officer: well, he isn’t wrong, everything does happ—

Witness: [backs away]

Welp, ended up booking a Bora Bora vacation. It’s still at risk of being gone by the end of this century, but at least climate change won’t kill this year’s plans.

One of the cool parts of hand sanitizer is how effective it is at helping you remember where all the tiny cuts and cracks are on your hands

An ambulance is just an uber to the hospital.

I saw a post which referred to unwrapping Reese's peanut butter cups as taking off their undies, and I would like to know how to unread this turn of phrase

28lb of prime rib, cooked to 118F before resting up to 122F.

I got up really late and took my trash out. I only saw three other trash cans on my street, so I don’t know if I’m way too early or way too late.

I think it’s also important to recognize that the people who run for Congress are largely trying to win popularity contests—and we all know a lot of the the popular kids in school leaned into it because they weren’t doing so hot with their grades

Time to start scrolling IMDB looking for all the headshots with black shirts 🤣

“If this shirt could talk”

Wonder how many other photos it’s snuck its way into

When I was at a telco, we actually had a P0 (since I guess they were originally programmers)

One of the great things about working from home is that no one is there to judge you when you put ketchup on a hot dog like an 8-year-old.

Took some much needed time off from being disappointed to spend more time being bitter.

Another year of my kids successfully making penis-shaped ornaments

It’s the real reason for the season

Dating in your 40s is a lot like everything else in your 40s: exhausting and for the most part you’d rather just stay home and start getting ready for bed at 9:45

if arguing online changed anything we'd all be running Linux

I don’t even think the want that. People want affirmation, not information.

Not sure, but they are at least part of a complete potato

*channeling my best Murdoch* I’m too old for this shit

My allergies are making me sound like a dollar store crime boss.

it's always morally correct to have tomato soup and a grilled cheese

I think bath soap has bubbles so that it distracts you from the fact that you’re just sitting in a tub of our own slimy, dead, sloughed off skin cells.

Husband: I wish you looked at me the way you are looking at that pizza
Me: here, hold this slice