𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜

The most important thing to teach guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.

If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.

Sign in window reads “Sorry we are closed today due to short people. We will be back on Wednesday.”

Randy Newman: *nods approvingly*

My new hiking pants are wind repellent and water repellent and woman repellent.

“You are a strong, beautiful woman” was apparently not quite what my wife expected to hear me say, particularly as I was wearing her favourite lingerie and talking to a full-length mirror at the time.

I have to say, the IKEA security guards seemed kinda surprised too.

Someone posts for attention?
Give them attention.
Move on.
Protect your blood pressure. We’re too old for this shit.

This day in history. 1982. Syzygy or the alignment of all nine planets with respect to the Sun. What are the odds that this could occur without a purposeful creator? 100 percent.

I think my sleep paralysis demon is mad at me. It keeps covering up my temperature regulating foot and making me too warm.

Judith Light's evil twin is Judith Dark. We know she's evil because of the goatee.

A parking space outlined with a painted white dotted line and labeled "DRUG DEALERS ONLY."

Detective Wile E. Coyote puts down the paintbrush and smiles.

Yes indeed!

is daylight ever gonna learn to save itself or is it just gonna continue to be a damsel in distress every year?

*werner herzog voice* you have your light evenings now but the mornings are darker than ever

I asked my doctor and this is right for me.

deep kissing is an antidepressant

Fine, keep one leg out of the covers while you sleep. Just don’t come hopping to me after a monster bites it off.

Primordial Muck is my next band name.

Unread all the words that ever were until we are all once again just primordial muck.

Talk about a new chapter! Congrats on the job 🎉

Reminder to all guests of the River Side Casino, we do not have a zip line. Electrical power should be restored in a few hours.

few things are more shattering than looking around for your cup of coffee only to remember that you've already finished it

i bet it feels good as fuck for an ancient mosaic to get restored. like being exfoliated

I took all the desire in my soul for romance and tossed it into the compost. I am filling that void with crafting and conspiracies

Let’s all go to Club Mid.

my ventriloquism act is finally ready for the radio

traffic should just move faster

I thought it made a big splash 🤷🏻‍♂️

The failure of my last skeet tells me all I need to know about bsky

i’ll make my bed* and lie in it** too

* a giant king sized ravioli
** eat the whole thing

You can treat my face like a Jackson Pollock if you wanna