mysticginge

i’m not going to be lectured about political violence by people whose politics is violence

i really thought i’d be spending a lot more time out on the moors by now

If I was an artist and someone offered to pay me to create something for them I would say 'Your commish is my command' and I would lose so many jobs you guys omg why am I like this

They should make a long sleeve shirt that transforms into a short sleeve shirt, I think to myself. Moments away from inventing wearing a sweater

✅ Stumbled out of bed

Anyone got a a cup of ambition? Todays gonna require that.

Sure, Salad is a choice, but have you met Cheesy Garlic Bread?

If your parents had a pontoon boat when you were little, I hate to break it to you but they had many coke fueled orgies on that thing while you were busy coloring with grandma in your PJs

Literally talked to Steak about buying one and he was on the fence. But now…?

asking if every piece of graffiti is Banksy

I have only myself to blame that's why I blame you.

I just blessed a dude who sneezed and I had absolutely zero authority to do so. He thinks he’s blessed. He’s not.

It’s only a shortcut if you know where the fuck you’re going

Everything is so bad, the hummingbirds are waiting for the sugar water in the feeder to ferment before they'll drink it.

I enjoy a bar burger with the same fervent brand of enthusiasm as I exhibit when engaging in cunnilingus

nice tires bitch (flirting)

a murder of crows aka caw & order

More than half the people in the U.S. don't want to have better lives- they just want the other team to suffer.

sorry, but my erotic macaroni art is for serious collectors only

Jump scared in the bath with a big brown thing on my chest and thought for sure it was a spider.

Nope, it was a crumb flake from the cheesy garlic bread I had been eating while soaking in the bubbles.

At first I was ashamed, but then I was…well, still ashamed.

i can be self-destructive and also self-aware

its called range

You're telling me this street is made of sesames?

*rolls out of bed and keeps rolling until she finds a cliff to roll off*

every argument on blue sky should be settled with a home run derby

Just asked Siri what day it is. I'm doing GREAT.

if the flytraps are any indication we should stay the hell away from Venus

getting burned by coffee is the ultimate betrayal

Some of my posts include more than one joke AT NO EXTRA COST TO THE READER

star wars themed strip club called jar jar kinks

RBF makes it sound like I actually have time to rest…

i like to think of my skeets as little toy boats made from leaves and twigs that i float out there in the bsky river

good luck, buddy