sophielou

He’s making a list and checking it twice;
Mixing a drink and adding more ice

That one text where they laughed out loud laughed out loud and laughed out loud

C’mon ladies

Asked Alexa to call my misplaced phone but Siri blocked her as an unrecognized number. Girls, can’t we all just work together?

And in the end, the cake you bake greatly enhances your snack break.

Whenever I see the word ICE while scrolling I first think about Ice T and wonder how he's doin. Then I read the rest and think oh yeah, damn I wish we were talking about Ice T instead.

[open mic night]
Mike: I guess my trust issues started when I was a child

Somersault and whining, very very frightening to me

Under the darkness of night out of the corner of my eye I see a little silhouette of a man! it scare a me, it scare a me, do you want to play bingo?

I’m not saying I’m bad at receiving compliments, but they basically make me feel like my arms unexpectedly fell off while I was in the middle of making a sandwich

Speaking of Yelp, let us bark a scathing review of those fireworks
- neighborhood dogs

My apologies to everyone who's been hurt by my behavior. If I could do things over, I would do everything in my power to not get caught.

[invasion]

*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?

Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?

Xanax.

wives, please stop bothering us husbands with dumb questions like "what are you thinking about," and "where are you," and "why did I see you holding hands with a guy at the mall"

an exceptionally hard elbow drop to my spine would fix me

alas, perhaps I should skip

Chasing whimsy to save my sanity.

Police: How are you feeling?

Me: I’m fine.

*polygraph explodes*

I wouldn't trust my shadow, it's super shady

I would get my parasites removed but then I couldn't claim that I help sustain the environment

A bird in the... *BLOCKED*
Birds of ... *BLOCKED*
The early bird catches the wo...*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT*

-worms probably

And are the people who find you "hilarious" in the room with us now?

Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?

We’re buzzkills but in like a fun way.

[admissions office]

ME: fine I did it

Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.

My inability to focus is

I’m “Its 8:30 and you want to start a movie this late?” years old.