Princess of Whales

I’m addicted to quoting 80s song lyrics. Might as well face it.

Can someone explain to me what I’m talking about?

I never feel sexier than I do after using my rosemary mint shampoo, walking around smelling like a roast chicken

If the clown shoe fits...

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about [spits out feathers]. For some of us, it's the Great Emu War of 1932.

Yes, hello, is that God? Yeah, hi. I have a complaint. You gave me this brain that’s designed for finding berries and avoiding lions and now people are ‘just circling back’ to see if we can ‘move the needle’ on ‘key initiatives’? NONE of those things are berries.

Do you think Shrek ever got ogrewhelmed

I just want to be rich enough to donate a bench to a zoo

Thousands of authors publish ‘empty’ book in protest over AI using their work About 10,000 writers including Kazuo Ishiguro, Philippa Gregory and Richard Osman join copyright campaign

I’m one of the thousands of authors who have published this empty book, in protest at AI companies stealing our copyrighted work www.theguardian.com/technology/2...

every once in awhile my social media algorithm serves me a video of an arena full of furious women scream-singing along with Paris Paloma to “Labour” and I do really think, like, that would fix me

When I’m on my deathbed,
I hope I don’t regret any missed typopportunities

I'm not doomscrolling, my thumbs are spiraling

Enlightenment is just realizing that no one actually knows what the fuck they’re doing.

As a wide-eyed space junkie in the ’80s, I imagined a Star Trek future in my middle age—Martian colonies, world peace, the end of disease. Instead, I’ve settled for: a handful of lifelong friends, immunity from polio, and the hard-earned (but increasingly difficult) ability to spot a fake.

some music makes me feel like I’ve taken highly illegal drugs

it’s like they say: a woman needs a man like a country needs a warmongering serial killer pedophile for a president

Don't forget to run the dishwasher or else you'll be forced to face the spoons you betrayed by letting the garbage disposal rough them up.

All the videos of my son from when he was a toddler look like shaky, found footage reels of people chasing cryptids.

Nothing has ever gone wrong when a venture capitalist has taken over something. Hmm. Ads? Sell to an Ellison? Clamp down on what we can say about politics?

But I think we should try a few just to be sure

This will not make it easier to cope with the horrors of the world.

[When someone hates a movie I like]
Me: It's ok, it's cool, we don't all have to like the same things.

[When someone likes a movie I hate]
Me: WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU!?

Me: *sits down with a cup of coffee and a cookie*

My wife: Is that a cookie?

Me: Yes, would you like one?

My wife: No. No, just... describe the cookie.

Me: Um, it's a Thin Mint, slightly stale so I will be dunking it in coffee...

My wife: *moaning softly*

Me: Is... is this what we do now?

Me: Would you describe us as "happily married?"

My Wife: No. That's not the right word.

Me: No?

My Wife: No. I'd say "Permanently."

Me: Ah.

My Wife: "Irrevocably."

Me: Gotcha.

My Wife: "Inescapably."

Me: Got it. Got it.

If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.

I'm not a Middle East historian. But replacing one hardline Ayatollah with another hardline Ayatollah, then screaming "we won," doesn't mean we won.

I don’t think you learn to live with grief I think you learn to live around it or in spite of it

A parking space outlined with a painted white dotted line and labeled "DRUG DEALERS ONLY."

Detective Wile E. Coyote puts down the paintbrush and smiles.

after several intense and incredible years building @francesmeh.reviews from the ground up, i've decided to step back from my responsibilities as chief posting officer in order to transition into a new role as vice president of fucking your mom

Send lawyers, guns, and money, and sunscreen, and maybe some personal wipes