jordan

Dad, can I have $300?

Chill out bro, I got this

-me, right before everything goes horribly, horribly wrong

Spit my coffee

Getting the supreme car wash because I love sour cream

Screenshot of a music player showing that the song a better place, a better time by the band Streetlight Manifesto is playing

The best bad Day song

Grocery store meat case, showing that Halal meat is located right next-door to pork

Halal meat next to pork is crazy

Yes :(

I got him another one because it was $200 off at Best Buy. Still $300, though! Thank god for Klarna!

they give black history month the shortest month of the year and steal a hour of precious sleep on women's day. People, we are at war

It’s broken and I’m not an idiot lol

Kid just knocked over his computer monitor and it’s dead. I could cry. They’re so fucking expensive.

don’t forget to destroy your clocks tonight, walk away from your mortgage, just start driving, you’re free

What’s the over/under on how long until a terrorist attack stems from Trump’s illegal war?

Every once in a while, my car has this glitch where it shows me my backup camera while I am, in fact, driving forward

I just know my soulmate out there also never leaving their house.

AHH, spring in the upper Midwest!

Well, the aliens aren't going to fix this.

She really just picks her up from school, escorts her across town for lessons and stuff, and then takes her home. It does make sense honestly I wouldn’t want my 12-year-old riding the train around all over New York either

My niece nannies for a girl who is old enough to have a boyfriend. Manhattanites, you guys are weird.

Just farted myself awake like some golden retriever

Been cutting and coloring my own hair since Covid. Just made an appt for a professional cut. Who wants to be my sponsor?!?

Been cutting and coloring my own hair since Covid. Just made an appt for a professional cut. Who wants to be my sponsor?!?

put my symptoms into WebMD and it said I have a really old joke format

Out to dinner with my kid. There is a couple on a date next to us and the guy is telling the girl (who is clearly someone he just met) how she should cut carbs and this is why nobody can stand y’all.

One apple per day can keep a lot of people away if you aim really well

You guys this new job is kicking my ass. I forgot how soul sucking it is have to go to the office every day. Literally my entire day is either working or commuting or making dinner and then it’s time to go to sleep like who the fuck wants to live like this

Hot in the way that I glow from within. Fueled by feminine rage and rogue hormones.

We’re so back baby

How much ‘tism do I have? I need the fan, the air filter, AND the humidifier on to fall asleep.

Much like a succulent, I too thrive on neglect.