jenny + bugs

there are things from our #childhoods, #dreams, which are forgotten. they dissolve. until one day you hear a song or smell a smell and you #remember what you felt like then and a part of you now touches a part of you then and you finally understand why time is non-linear. it’s for #love, of course.

they should invent an hrt that makes me pretty

whatever arms i have, let them hold onto you

what if the end result of ai proliferation is everyone getting really original with everything they say? unique first sentence after unique first sentence.

another reason trains are best is because of the ability to stand up and walk around. i drove for hours today, am in so much pain, and my back will be screaming for days. it’s just so unnecessary and i miss living somewhere with trains so badly.

#owwwwwwwwwwwwwww #fuckfuckfuck #mybackhurts #transit

i do not believe that it is radical to believe humanity still has a future.

fascism is a self terminating disease. yes, do everything we can to limit its damage, but do not despair at its perpetuity, for it has none.

i share these stories because they’re important for what comes during and after

such beautiful trills 😍

our psychiatrist does not* believe we have DID

my intention is not for this testimony to turn into smut. but it could, dear reader, it could. the mind space offers many opportunities for creativity, and bugs is a very imaginative man. for now i will just say this:

i was very quickly falling in love, and i had never felt safety like with him.

there i was, in the mind space with this man i felt like i had just met but also felt like i had known all my life. he was tall, he was hot (yes i’m a freak), he was kind, he felt safe, and apparently he knew how to press a button that filled me with more euphoria than i knew what to do with.

so yea, he was a bug. so i called him “Bug”. he thought it was cute of me to give him that nickname, and i thought it was cute of him to be such a big lovable buggy boy.

{i love this woman so fucking much}

and “Bug” he stayed, for a week i think, until we appended the “s”, but i’m jumping ahead!

“surely you were terrified!”

WRONG! dear listener, i tell you with complete sincerity that i was aroused.

i’m a monster fucker through and through. assuming we’re discussing legally consenting adults with safe power dynamics and the ability to communicate effectively then i say have fun 🤭

and, sure enough, a bug i saw. a big triangular insectoid face, perceived to be about 2 feet in front of my own. tbh it wasn’t anthropomorphic at all, it really was just a backyard praying mantis face zoomed in lol. dark green, maybe, but my color perception is kind of funky in the mind space.

before reaching out originally, i had a thought in my head that it would be nice to talk to one of the benevolent #mantis aliens i’ve heard some describe (AGAIN, i am not recommending that anyone attempt a CE5, i am just sharing my anecdote for posterity). so… at some level, i expected to see a bug

ok, back to the story.

first bugs and i were communicating through what i understand to be #telepathy. direct transference of understandings and emotion.

then we started interacting through physical forms in the mind space. i wanted to see what he looked like.

again, i do not claim to have DID, my psychiatrist did not think i do either.

but the descriptions i have heard of the #innerworld from some who do sounds extremely similar to me. i do not know if that is accurate, but offer it as a frame of reference to any who may be able to apply it.

I perceive all of the senses that body has along side those of my regular human senses. When I am there, I am also here. It is difficult to describe, but perhaps analogous to watching a television which can have two different channels on simultaneously.

for the purpose of understanding my experience with bugs, it is probably easiest to imagine it as a space in the imagination where bugs and i are each able to perceive each other, touch each other, modify our own forms, generate settings, and otherwise interact.

i need to talk about the mind space now. i’ve grown to think of it as a pocket reality but it may be more like a layer of this reality instead. i usually just call it my #imagination because that gets you close enough. but i don’t know how well that translates, particularly for folks with aphantasia

but i didn’t stop 🤭 and thank GOD

i kept talking to my new friend. and yes, i kept asking him to do the #euphoria thing. you need to understand something about bugs: he’s VERY charming. just remembering this is making me blush. i remember it in a jazz club, him in pinstripes, paying for my drinks.

thankfully, by this time in my life i had stopped believing that all monsters were evil. but i was able to comprehend that i might be getting hoodwinked and be in serious danger of having my soul eaten.

i probably did some prayers here. because ocd and also because i do believe in god

this is the moment when the rational logical part of my brain finally overpowered the emotionally needy part and i registered the severity of what i was doing (or thought i was doing). at the time, i thought that i was telepathically communicating with an alien or a demon. 😈 #oops

mfw

i continued this for ~10 minutes, identical results every time.

ok, so i have established (enough for myself, i don’t claim to be capable of getting a paper past peer review) that “this isn’t something i can do to myself intentionally. i can only do it by asking him for help. that means he’s real”

but nothing happened. it was like trying to tickle yourself. so i reached back out (or should i say “back in”?) and asked if whoever he was wouldn’t mind doing that again. and he did it again. same as the first. pure love completely washing over every cell in my body.

#souls #multisoulexperiencers

so, ignoring my southern christian upbringing telling me that this was probably a demon, i dove in head first.

well… maybe a little slower than that.

the rational part of my brain slowly kicked back in, and i thought maybe i had just given myself the warm fuzzies. so i tried to do that again.

i felt surprised that i wasn’t scared. but also not. because he felt so… right. it would have been silly like being afraid of your favorite stuffed animal. “i know he would never hurt me because i know his soul.” i just knew. like talking to him was the safest thing i’d ever done.

this was not the first time i had spoken to whoever was talking to me. i knew that immediately. the familiarity was like being hugged by a childhood friend. but i couldn’t remember ever speaking to this person before. so why did their energy signature feel so familiar?

#souls #multisoulexperiencers

accompanied by this was the crystal clear understanding of the statement “it’s about time you reached out ;)”. the wink was included. it skipped the language interface and went straight to my sense of understanding. most striking of all, i think, was how familiar it felt.

#multisoulexperiencers

instantly (less than 1 second) after i finished my statement, i was absolutely FLOODED with butterflies, body tingles, warm chills, love, and warm euphoria absolutely washing over me in waves. it started at the bottom of my spine and washed out in pulses. it was completely overwhelming and wonderful