It’s been a while since I was on this account, I hope you’re all doing okay 💛 I’ve been eating smthing small in the morning, getting drunk and eating once again between 5pm-2am.
Thankfully detox is in 6 days and I can get off alcohol as a physical dependency
The two moods this week
I’ve been living off lentil dahl and veggie soups for like 2 weeks now
Peripheral shadow demons are back in full force
I’m trying ti taper, if I can’t by a certain date I’ll go to medical detox again
Again forgot social media exists. My technology is just gaming and checking a few super famous accounts that are unhealthy as fuck
two friends in one day telling me to get it together 😭
i feel bad but i kind of hope i do, just in a way that nobody can tie to my mental health
I’m so tired of crying tired of panic attacks tired of nightmares tired of forcing myself to pick at food that’s just a waste of money
I think the brain damage is catching up.. I was suicidal over a financial situation that yes could’ve ruined my fucking life but literally I read date wrong. my fucking idiotic self didn’t realise what date it was so reading it didn’t mean anything bc I’m losing track of time in every way
And the way they’ll call you a bitch simply for standing up for yourself or because they don’t like you voicing your opinion
It always feels like I’m on a different wavelength when this is my daily experience; I rarely feel my emotions but at the same time I’ve never felt more. Whenever things get hard I can disappear into my head so easily that it should be scary
literally me and my mum yesterday 😭
it’s like thinking so much of another person’s food makes me feel satisfied for them, and I don’t feel the need to eat if someone near me does and I can subtly observe in some way or even just smell it
this might sound insane but I’m genuinely starving i think. Lately I am replacing my meals with ‘hypothetical meals’. I do this when I’m restricting a lot. I look at other people’s food. Imagine every detail about it and what it tastes like: and then I feel almost satisfied in a way
I hope you’re all doing okay, life is really crazy for everyone atm 💛 I’m sorry I only come on here to vent post and leave these days. I’m under a lot of stress and can barely socialise irl
i literally woke up 15 minutes ago and I can’t stop crying
fullt out of drugs and alcohol, might just suffer through a sober night idk. I missed therapy today, told her we should just discontinue our sessions at this point because I keep missing them
telling myself over and over that none of this is real/matters and that is how I find moments of calm in my head
how am i dealing with my issues/feelings today? drinking straight spirits on an empty stomach (cheaper) and an hour on the exercise bike let’s go
had a panic attack because my rent increased again and i can barely afford to eat real meals currently
anyone else handle abandonment as well as I do :) isolating restricting and getting high. i hate it but i hope they’re worried about me. i also just want him to be happy. but also i feel extremely hurt by what he was doing to me. so i just keep drinking and crying
first sips of spirits (lies I just chug from the bottle bc i want to get it over with) on an empty stomach feel so warm, i chase this all the time I just want to be relaxed and warm but I’m always stressed, depressed and cold
we have the advantage 🙏🏽
main consolation these days is that I can escape through substances and starving. When I’m sober my fucking chest hurts I cry so much, everything just hurts all the time. Of course I fucking need to dissociate from it all
back to daily drinking.. not sure how I ended up here again but here I am.
I am incredibly lonely now. You reap what you sow right :)
he got the kids in the divorce (told me not to ever contact him or our friend group again im not crying u are)
idk but every time I’m consistently losing weight I stop using ed platforms and start scrolling recipes and mulbangs instead like idgaf about thinspo I just want to feel lighter every day and enjoy what I do eat
I worded this badly. I have the choice ultimately yes. But she explained that because I’m not eating much I’m more likely to impulsively choose the maladaptive coping mechanism than say, DBT skills or grounding
