Juiceticles

i like big butts and sodium pentothal

don’t forget to love fearlessly you piece of shit

I just need someone I can slap on the ass every morning and say go get ‘em tiger

Dads just want to watch Jason Statham murder 100 homies in peace and whatnot.

might create a sex alt but im not sure me in sweat pants writing cant get laid jokes needs its own account

Desperately trying to think of something other than what the fuck is happening everyday.

I’m gonna smoke a joint so that I can pretend to care.

[at state park while on a telehealth call with my doctor]

DR: you really need to be drinking more water

ME: *pulls out a straw and drinks the whole lake* NOW THE WATER SKIERS AND THE FISH ARE ALL DEAD ARE YOU HAPPY WITH YOURSELF

the heart is a lumpy lopsided fist of a muscle yet I have resisted the urge to hit you with it you're welcome

Reverse cowgirl because I'm learning to juggle.

Reverse cowgirl because I’m teaching myself to knit

whistling along to Kid Cudi with much vibrato

hey, quick question - what the fuck?

I've never pole danced a day in my life but that's how I want to be posed when I get taxidermied

I don't get emotional very often but when I do, ew

Your speech about how nothing matters has moved me

don’t do drugs (without me)

I loved Cheers, but the thought of a bar where everyone knows my name always terrified me.

sick of working, it’s time to start doing crimes for money

The failure of my last skeet tells me all I need to know about bsky

Have the kind of sex where you have to buy a new house.

Someone knocked on the front door unexpectedly, so I muted the TV and hid like a good little millennial

sorry for my bad mood earlier but my vibrator died this morning

Watching the sunset is like getting a forehead kiss from the sky.

is daylight ever gonna learn to save itself or is it just gonna continue to be a damsel in distress every year?

my weeds are more colorful than theirs, and other pep talks I give myself

Inadvertently set the thermometer 1hr ahead yesterday and now
I’m wearing a Speedo reading an Updike novel on the beach

life is like a box of dicks

Sorry. No carpe DM.

How am I? I don't answer trick questions.