MY EM DASHES.
05.03.2026 14:02
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MY EM DASHES.
I love using em dashes, and AI is ruining it for me. AI is also ruining the world. The world is also ruining itself. But, still. My em dashes.
The shift from hoping your doctor is older than you to hoping your doctor is younger than you is an actual thing.
People quickly believing that Jim Carey had an *impersonator* show up to publicly receive an award in France instead of believing that he had some cosmetic work done, was high as a kite, and/or was just in a different fucking MOOD is the reason Trump is in power.
Vote. More. Women. Into. Office.
[Morgan Freeman voiceover]: "But the Union was not strong."
You: “Are you going to watch the State of—“
Me: *blows air horn*
You: “Um. The State of the—“
Me: *blows air horn*
You: “Ok, seriously, tho—“
Me: *blows air horn*
Me, not a hockey fan, tuning into the third period of the USA/Canada final:
“I am a fucking hockey expert now.”
Our state-of-the-art Olympic drones put you in the middle of the action, capturing every athletic move in 4K resolution, with smart smoothing, auto tracking, dynamic zoom, AI-powered control, and WE CANNOT MAKE THEM ANY QUIETER THEY SOUND LIKE A SWARM OF BEES.
Punxsutawney Phil came outside this morning and burst into flames, signaling that the State of the Union Address is nigh.
We are at an airport restaurant. A robot just drove up to us with our food, said, "Hi! Here I am!" and then drove away with our food.
I would absolutely take gold in Men's Uphill Clutching the Ski Lift and Screaming.
It’s time to enter my final and greatest era: telling people to keep their shirt on
Me: Is this really necessary?
Divorce Court Judge: I’d like to see it
*bailiff plays video of me doing the robot*
I like to watch an Olympic event for a good five or six minutes before thinking of myself as an expert analyst.
Ilia Malinin at 21: performs multiple extraordinarily difficult ice skating jumps, earning the nickname “Quad God.”
Me at 21: performs multiple mime routines at a frat party, earning the nickname “God, STOP.”
I can still remember a time when the primary reason to hate Kid Rock was his music.
Oh, fuck off, Phil.
❤️❤️
Hanging a lot of my emotional stability on a fucking groundhog.
*slides Punxsutawney Phil $20*
You realize what’s at stake, right?
*sends White House "Worst Government Ever" mug*
[video of me on my couch in a hoodie]
“Day 1 of me counting.”
You too can watch the United States’ invasion of the United States on live television.
terrifying if literal: my feet are killing me
Each morning I reach into the fridge for the milk for my coffee, I first reach in further and run a finger delicately along the gold wrapping on the lid of the bottle of champagne holding court in the back, biding its time for the inevitable day, THE day, and I whisper, “soon, my darling. Soon.”
Too bad a carafe isn't what it sounds like (a car-shaped giraffe).
Newhart FTW.
There's still time to stop trying to make robots that can run and jump.
Why, yes, this IS an A-Team thermos filled with Macallan 18 Sherry Oak Single Malt Scotch.