one time my aunt stopped speaking to me for six months bc i dropped in the chat that chick-fil-a is closed on sundays so their employees can go get their abortions
the problem with memories is theyโll show up unexpectedly and then become the unwelcome guest like a cousin eddie parking his rv in your driveway
AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH
Me, preparing to post on Bluesky:
You're in the mood for cheese. Not to eat. Just to caress your face with.
OK people, enough is enough, stop cloning Jim Carrey and get back to work
Itโs been a really โI donโt wannaโ week & itโs only Wednesday.
ME: *orders in fluent French to impress you*
WAITER: Sir, this is a Japanese restaurant.
ME: ยกDios mรญo!
What is this new devilry?
Actress and singer Marilyn Monroe โ dressed in an elegant black dress suit and black leather gloves โ captured facing the camera while seated on a light-coloured couch, legs crossed, her left hand resting on the seat, right hand on her knee as she smiles broadly and glances to the left, a standing microphone positioned in front of her, in a full-length black-and-white shot taken during a press conference in the waiting room at Los Angeles Airport
Marilyn Monroe during a press conference at Los Angeles Airport, 1956
Iโm old enough to remember when โtrackingโ wasnโt about data โ it was fixing the lines on your VHS so the movie didnโt look haunted.
AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH
I will now re-create what I was singing at the top of my lungs along to this song in the car:
๐ถSOMEBODY TOLD ME
THAT I WAS A BOYFRIEND
OR WAS A GIRLFRIEND
I SAW YOU LAST FEBRUARY OF LAST WEEK
I'M NOT CONTINENTAL
I NEVER SAW "YENTL"
A-RUSHING AROUND
Not a big "correct lyrics" guy.
If you're dumb enough to play hide and seek with a ghost, here's a clue. They always win.
My new ceiling fan has two speeds:
1. Gale force winds
2. Where is that breeze coming from
Thatโs what you get for $18
INVENTOR OF THE WHEEL: hey give it back jesus
All shall love me and despair.
Me calling the transfer coordinator:
Girlโฆ youโre not gonna believe this shit.
๐๐ฐ๐ด๐ฆ๐ฎ๐ข๐ณ๐บโ๐ด ๐๐ข๐ฃ๐บ is my favorite film about deviled eggs.
me: if i had kids, iโd be such a helicopter mom
you: you DO have kids
me: WHAT
I'm already 2 edibles into my afternoon. Don't judge.
replacing apple maps with echolocation
Desperately seeking sunshine.
ARE YOU A TERRORIST, CHRIS? NO I AM A SAGITTARIUS. I PROMISE YOU THIS ISN'T EVEN THE STUPIDEST THING I AM GOING TO YELL AT YOU TODAY.
terroristocrats
waiting for the โFacelift Fascismโ era to stop trending
I donโt even answer my house phone anymore. Straight to voicemail.
Should probably just get rid of it.
Sure sex is cool but have you tried 8 hours of restful sleep?
views are my own your views are mine as well i own all the views
