🩵 🩷 Emoria 🩷 🩵

I literally said out loud “it would be so much easier if I was a trans woman. Too bad I’m not”

"Well that's just the same damn thing as dying, Renata."

Lisa pushes off the wall and heads towards the window. "Fuck it." She throws open the blinds, flooding the room with sunlight. "Don't treat life or transition like a race, I think is what I'm getting at. There isn't a finish line, except for death. Except. If you stop growing and changing?

"Yeah. Oof. I was certain I needed to be DONE transitioning and then I'd be happy. But you don't finish transitioning, Renata. You'll be transitioning for the rest of your life. Not into womanhood specifically - that part will be heavily weighted in the near future, but into who you'll be tomorrow."

Lisa smirks, remembering, grabs her ample breasts and adds, "Once these tits get a little big bigger, then someone will finally love me."

"Oh. Oof."

"I remember feeling like I was always just a few steps away from being the woman I wanted to be. 'Once I get done with electrolysis, I'll be done.' Then, 'Once I have bottom surgery, I'll be happy.' Then, 'Once the swelling goes down in my face from FFS, I'll be complete."

"I cracked, and then I rushed to get in line for bottom surgery and for FFS and I was absolutely kicked in the shins when I had to wait over a year just to get a consultation, let alone my surgeries themselves, which were a couple years away after that.

"And that's true. We do have to make up for lost time. I lost more than you, plenty of women lose more than I did. But your transition isn't a race. Your life isn't a race. It feels like one. It really does. But. Don't forget to take your time and enjoy small changes too.

Lisa leans her head back, thinking. "You know, once I cracked, I remember believing everything had to be a marathon. I had to get all my transition done as fast as possible, or I was falling behind. That I had to make up for lost time.

"Oh," Lisa says, and she leans against the wall opposite the bed, thinking. "You haven't stopped running since the night you met Izani, have you?"

"I... haven't," Renata says, fiddling with the still fresh small purple stud earrings she got pierced for two days after coming out.

"Lisa, what do we do now?"

"We wait until Izani comes back, however long that takes."

"No, I know, I mean. Now. Like. Literally, right now." Renata finds herself rubbing an arm and pacing. "I haven't... I don't know what to do if I'm not running, Lisa."

Wondering how long it would have to be before anything feels truly good again, Renata wipes a bit of the drool that had accumulated at the edge of her mouth and heads back to the bathroom to check on the circle.

Seven candles, in place, all lit. So, that's taken care of.

Which means...

"I don't remember my dreams, usually," Renata says, grateful that at least she didn't dream of Him.

"Give the estrogen a little longer. You might start remembering them soon. The nightmares suck, but the good dreams can be magical. I want you to have good dreams, Renata."

Lisa's eyes are still bloodshot - she couldn't have gotten more than an hour or two of sleep, since it's just now approaching 9am.

"Don't you want to go back to bed? I can stay awake."

Lisa shakes her head, saying, "I don't want to go back to sleep. I just had nightmares of Him hurting you."

A hand on her shoulder bolts her upright.

"JESUS FUCKING Oh god it's you Lisa. I was watching - I was... I fell asleep didn't I?"

Lisa laughs, giving her a pat on the back.

"You did. but you needed it. And we're still here. So. I won't tell Izani if you won't."

"Deal."

Renata, beyond determined, returns to her post and diligently resumes the watch.

*I will not let him win. I will survive. I will kill him. I will save Jasmine. I will. I will. I will. I will.*

Outside the window, there are no signs of the monster.

So she waits.

It won't be, but we can all fight for a better tomorrow

Lots of deep dives into dysphoria and various forms of how transphobia is a poisonous assault on our safety

Completely get it

Yeah this gets extremely raw and vulnerable. It has hope, but it's about being trans right now and all that entails

Reactions to Aftertaste Chapters 11-15, including "Jesus Fucking Christ Emoria I'm Devastated" and "Holy Fuck Emoria you have successfully broken me"

i'm very nice

except

I will rip your heart out and stomp on it if you keep reading

full disclosure

Thank you for sharing! Definitely at least give chapter two a try too, that's where I start to show my hand 😈

Maybe click on this

Oh lol it’s been a minute

Void fish uses they/them/fish pronouns

You should read the book there are many varieties of things that are gay in it. Girls. Women! Maaaaaaayyyyyybe something kinda scary too 😈

Fuck, Aftertaste is so gay there’s even gay MEN in it occasionally

void fish is frien now they help

oh no im being ruthlessly bullied 😱

Positive, I would have found them in the void

Oh I actually don’t remember where the words “nexus gate” are from they’re just in my brain soup haha

It’s not a void, it’s a nexus gate, it’s VERY different probably