Dragon Diaries

Enchanted Forest board approved my recycling plan. Got in huge argument with wyvern down the road about sorting armor into metals and compostables. Now have a really large item for compostables—can’t ated wyverns, they’re practically honorary dragons.

Dragon arrived like a big fiery thing dropping from the sky…a meteor maybe, or…a—a zeppelin! Whatever, those were some surprised knights!

Enchanted Forest Green Party tried to recruit me for board of governors because of recycling thing. Two gnomes, an elf and a trio of dryads. Still picking splinters out of teeth.

Cat has a new solution for recycling problem after further research. Eat whole knight, etc. instead of shucking, and let dragon stomach acid do most of the work. Then hire kobolds to refine the end product.

Raining cats and dogs out there. Much less delicious than you would expect. Sigh. Guess I’ll go lie on pile of gold and contemplate senselessness of being.

Stuffed, tired, annoyed with entire range of thinky beings. Might be time to go on fiery rampage. Burning dwarf towns and flaming ball gowns…these are a few of my favorite things.

A trio of knights saw my elf s’mores, lowered lances and charged. Sigh, so full already. Ated them anyway, and now have three more suits of armor needing recycling. It’s endless.

Found some giant slimes to add to flamed elves. Just going to pop over to the gingerbread house and steal some shutters so I can make s’mores. Maybe day not a total loss after all.

Stopped at elf commune on Greenside to get recycling petition signed. Said they’re “not normally into corrupt systematic solutions to socio-ecological problems” but in this case they’d help me collect signatures, and spread out to share the “Word of Dragon”. I had to flame them.

Tried explaining recycling programs to chimera at end of lane. Lion head was all in. Snake head started hissing about big government. Goat head ated petition. Then snake bit goat and lion claimed to be one true king. Backing away slowly now in case it’s catching.

Aunt Kayath called and asked me for help with her Internet—changed my phone number and email address. Considering moving. What? She’s 35 tons of draconic fury attached to a stunning ability to make technology barf. You’d run too. Do you suppose they have a dragon protection program?

Considering getting off social media, but on the internet nobody knows you’re a dragon, which makes finding lunch dates much easier. And by lunch dates, I mean lunch.

Dragon Haiku:

Many many elf
Migrating through the near woods
Plant type protein win

Enchanted Forest recycling idea is getting more and more complex. Turns out you have to sort magic items. If you put rings with wands they breed, and you get things like a blowgun that turns things invisible before starting them on fire. Cat says invisible flaming bogels are bad.

Stumbled into a nest of online discoursians. Ated them. Now I am filled with the desire to share my worst opinions and extremely embarrassing details about my personal life. 1 of 10, would not ated again because I don’t like waffles and sandwiches are just a…dammit, signing out now.

Do you ever wonder about dwarves? Like, why are they the perfect bite-sized snack? Or, how would we ever accumulate mountains of gold to sleep on if they weren't so good at making it and so bad at protecting it? And, what's with the beards? I know I do.

Dragon Haiku:

Dwarves are tasty
So are you, please be hasty
And jump in my stew

Met a conspiracy theorist. Tried to convince me dragons are a figment created by big ag to sell more drugs to the Bavarian chemtrail manufacturers, or something like that. I ated him. He tasted of mixed nuts. 2 of 10, but only because I listened to him first. Next time, earplugs.

I was wrong. Aunt Kayath didn't send me a Mythmas dwarfcake. It really was a boulder. OTOH, I've ateded worse.

Just discovered Aunt Kayath sent me a Mythmas dwarfcake and it’s been sitting by the stoop for two months—I thought it was a boulder, it’s sure heavy enough. Fortunately it’s been infused with enough brandy to last a century and once you candy the dwarves they’re basically forever.

When the going* gets tough the tough** chew harder.

*Going son of Gimlet son of Glon.

**The Dragon, obviously.

In the interests of verbal abstract absurdism: Proudfoots.

It’s raining men and now my umbrella looks like the floor of a slaughterhouse.

Important safety tip, kids, holding in a belch is not a great idea when you breathe fire for a living. The digestive system has two ends.
…
…
…
Kablooie!

Cat is VERY fluffy.

Been trying to quit smoking recently. Experimenting with triple distilled spirits for a cleaner burning flame. Mostly, it works, but it uses up a lot of spirits and they’re surprisingly hard to catch. Tried ghost traps and spearing, even trawling cemeteries…

Dragon Limericks:

There once was a man from Nantucket
Then I ated him.

I did that right, yes?

Getting serious about Enchanted Forest environment. Have Cat researching best way to recycle armor, princess dresses, and mermaid tails. Also, what to do with goblin…bits.

Starting to feel guilty about all the packaging on single serving knights. Might have to start an Enchanted Forest recyclables program.

Looking for a matched set of knights to make into salt and pepper shakers. Thought it would be a good gift for aunt Kayath.

I like knights, really. No one likes knights more than I do. As soon as I see one, I just can’t help myself, I gobble them right up. Like popcorn.