In rushing to “fix it”, you risk causing your partners to feel sadness or frustration that they may have been unheard by you, that they’re a problem you’re trying to solve, that you’re rushing them through their process, or that their feelings are a nuisance to you.

Affirmation: Honesty is kindness. Directness is kindness.

It IS possible to be kind to the person you’re communicating with AND yourself by being direct. You offer them kindness by giving them clarity. You offer yourself kindness by honoring your truth.

Many of us have internalized an either/or framework in relationships, “Either I’m kind to them or I’m kind to me, either I’m honest with them or I’m honest with me.”

We don’t want to put ourselves through the discomfort of being honest. We don’t want to put ourselves through the potential discomfort of disappointing someone. We don’t want to risk them being displeased with us or not liking us. But it isn’t kind to them.

Indirectness≠Tactfulness/Kindness
(Thank you, Cenetta)
When we’re indirect with somone, especially when we have to communicate something uncomfortable to them or perhaps reject them, we think we’re doing it to be kind to them but really, we’re only concerned about being kind to ourselves.

This statement both acknowledges your genuine current feelings, communicates that you want to respond differently but are unable to, and offers your partner gratitude and appreciation for honoring their relationship with you and caring for you by being open and honest with you.

I am struggling to respond to this with the energy and care that I would like to but I want to thank you for sharing this with me and keeping your commitment to being transparent.”

A helpful statement to utilize in polyamory when your partner shares something with you about another person they are involved with that causes you to experience challenging emotions is:

You can love your own company & still feel sad about not having someone to share it with. You can love & validate yourself & still feel longing for someone to validate you. We need to stop pushing the idea that folks can self-love themselves out of the BASIC HUMAN DESIRE & NEED FOR CONNECTION.

Chemistry ≠ Compatibility

CHEMISTRY: liking a person and them liking you in the same or in a similar way.

COMPATIBILITY: liking the relationship experience you have with a person and them liking the relationship experience they have with you.

A lot of folks in nonmonogamy are claiming their partners have the freedom to do as they please but they give their partners hell to pay if they exercise that freedom. Then will turn around and take the same liberties they make so challenging for their partners. It’s not fair.

Since I like a lot of freedom to do what I please, I had to figure out how to give my partners the breadth of freedom that I want to enjoy. That was the beginner work. The next phase of that work was learning to give them PEACE in that freedom so they could actually enjoy it.

If I give someone the liberty to make a choice but not peace around making the choice, is that even really freedom?

In the past, I would give my partners the liberty to engage in nonmonogamy but I wouldn’t give them peace to do it. They constantly had to weigh the choice to do what they desired against the knowledge that making that choice would likely mean entering into turmoil between us.

I have since updated the saying to “I do not take liberties that I am unwilling to afford with PEACE.”

Once I make a choice to engage in a particular behavior, I accept that it is now open season for my partners to also choose to engage in that behavior with others.

A personal saying of mine in nonmonogamy is “I don’t take liberties that I’m unwilling to afford.” For example, if I would have a hard time supporting my partner taking a two-week vacation with someone else, I don’t ask them to hold space for me taking a two-week vacation with someone else.

I want to demonstrate that I am a safe space for their feelings because they can trust that I will honor this understanding.

To quote Amina Peterson “I am not responsible FOR the feelings of others. I am sensitive TO the feelings of others. I am not irresponsible WITH the feelings of others.”

I embrace that I am emotionally connected to my partners and as a result, the choices I make can have an emotional impact on them. While I will not let my partners feelings govern my choices, I will let them inform my choices and I will consider them in my decision making.

There is such a thing as being careless and irresponsible with someone’s feelings. If I claim to care about someone, that means I care about the totality of the individual, and that includes their feelings. I desire to demonstrate to my partners that I am responsible WITH their feelings.

No, I’m not “responsible” for their feelings, but I understand that being with someone means that I’ll likely have an impact on their feelings & I desire to acknowledge & attempt to understand that impact. And I want that impact to be positive, as much as I’m capable of & willing to achieve.

A sentiment I have heard repeated often amongst polyam and nonmonogamous folks is “I am not responsible for my partner’s feelings.”

It’s learning to trust myself as someone who will stand up for myself & what I want and need from other humans & from life. So many people talk about the importance of having people that will stand up for them but don’t apply that to themselves. Can you trust yourself to stand up for YOU?

I have come to understand that the primary purpose of communicating my wants and needs is not to GET my wants and needs from people (which I have little to no control over). The primary purpose of communicating my wants and needs is to build my trust in my OWN self advocacy.

You CAN discerningly examine your past behavior to determine what things you need to work on moving forward without applying harsh self-judgement.

Today’s Polyamory Reminder:
Becoming mired in the shame and guilt of your past mistakes in polyamory can impede your ability to move on and grow. Give yourself grace by understanding that you weren’t capable of better at the time and forgive yourself.

Remembering to see my partners as friends has been a game changer for me in showing up supportively to their nonmonogamy and helping myself discern what value I wish to focus on in each situation.

And keeping this understanding in mind has been helpful in giving me more discernment about what challenges are coming from “inside the house” and which ones are coming from “outside the house”.

My more recent personal nonmonogamy work has been being more intentional about keeping online the understanding that I’m a “friend” to my partners as much as I am a “partner” to my partners.