ME: *appears in a flash* not much just inventing a time machine what’s up with you
YOU: what
ME: do you want to take a ride in my updog machine
YOU: what’s updog
ME: *pushes button*
You now own the company
if it comes to a fight, I will be glad to hire a much younger person to participate on my behalf
but that's bad for your health
but I'm bringing back knowledge of the future so I can invent them right then, like I say, "Have you ever considered putting frosting on these and not selling the unfrosted kind?" and everyone cheers
I would invent those at the same time, duh
11/22/63 only I'm going back in time to stop the invention of unfrosted Pop Tarts
I think you should chair the committee
I wonder what he opposite of BOFA is...I need to gather up a team and do some studies.
Picture of Frodo Baggins
I wish I was a little bit taller
I wish I was a baller
I wish I had a girl who look good
I would call her
Not sure how to take that one, I’ll get back to you
Why isn't a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters
I’m green
let's call it a draw
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
I like the part where you’re in a coffin
FAFO
Thinking about committing a crime and not getting caught, any suggestions?
ABC's of selling:
A - Always
B - Be
C - CLOSING THE GODDAMN DOOR IT’S MUCH BETTER TO FACE THESE THINGS WITH A SENSE OF POISE AND RATIONALITY
I see what you did there
Look, it’s really simple, The Masked Singer
Unmasks When Calls the Heart Star as Eggplant
But of a commute but I’m in
Went to the Bone Temple and they were worshipping your mom
I want to watch the CEO of Costco eat 5 rotisserie chickens in under an hour
NFL meme showing Kristi Noem released for sucking ass
Good news Browns fans
Tweet from me in 2013 saying Peace out. War in. Neutrality on the wane. Revolution is the new black. Negotiation is passé. All the cool kids are overthrowing regimes.
I am basically Nostradamus
JUDGE: I sentence you to 37 years in prison
ME: nah
JUDGE: what
ME: I’m not vibing that
JUDGE: I see
ME: yeah
JUDGE: I guess you’re free to go then
ME: peace out my robed brother
JUDGE: that is the coolest guy I’ve ever seen it was an honor to let him go
Guy Fieri standing next to a pale yellow car
And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him.
photo of dan crenshaw, who wears an eyepatch, with what appears to be a drawn on eyepatch
did someone use ms paint to draw his eyepatch??
harsh but fair
