i’m nice on here

have you talked to your son about Maxx Crosby?

Mets, baby. Love da Mets

this hateful beast destroyed my life, but damned if I don't still love him

Can I speak to the big homie of the house, please?

Kids in 1991: oh no lord Jeses please keep Israel safe from the SCUDs headed their way

Kids nowadays: may Allah’s hand guide every Shahed-136 into the hearts of the Wahhabi heretics and their Zionist puppets.

they may be unorthodox, but my methods get results

We whipped them like the mongrel dogs they are

after crushing the fancy club team last night, we have a tennis match with another club this morning at 9. all gave some, but some gave all.

me and Kenny won our match against the fancy tennis club team. Kenny underarm served at 9-7 in the ten point tie break. that was not their favorite thing lol

qt this with your favorite Tom Waits song

all this blood loss is making me super sleepy

🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️
PUT IT IN HER TEETH
🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️

he should have his right hand taken by my blade

made a thing of popped corn instead of

watching Tiafoe v Brooksby at Indian Wells and thinking about dipping out for a soft serve cone from McDonalds (the hamburger restaurant)

I've spoken to some of you privately about this, but I am overjoyed to share publicly that I have been made the supreme leader of the Islamic Republic of Iran. We’re going to build through the draft, explore free agency, and we’re going to give the fans what they deserve: a winning football team

thank you for sharing this with me. you’re one of my favorites

I could go for some ice cream

I’m asking for a second chance to be your abuela

high gas prices have destroyed my anti-ballistic missile defense systems

I’m watching the tennis at indian wells and it looks like there are upwards of two dozen people in attendance

they're making that one broad resign from government because of her fucked up face

(audience looking at one another, unsure of which one I am talking about)

(General addressing troops on Tik Tok)

God willing, we will be victorious over our enemies.

God won’ting, all of you will die

I do be saying that

I’m here at the bar. I’m saving you a seat

that's an advanced level move

every man needs to ask himself three daily questions:

1) what's going on with my weiner?

2) how do I feel about what's going on with my weiner?

3) are there sports on tv?

damn they got a nicer house than me

you need a different roommate