BlueLight439

If you really seriously hurt me & didn't apologise, you're a poor excuse for a person. Apologise.
If you dehumanise or invalidate me, go to hell.

Also, there were many days I talked in a TADC server & was interesting&funny enough, even this Monday. It is rewarding talking about common interests with random people, being able to stand out among random people. Mucking around random people also is the type of socialisation that feels the safest.

This isn't something I can always do, but I felt proud of myself for something that is unrelated to art for once. I don't want to be boring or my sense of humour to wear thin. I worry that changing&depression may make me less entertaining but it is comforting to see I'm still the same cool&fun guy.

Last Saturday was nice. I spent time talking to random people on Discord much more than I usually do, in a Hazbin Hotel server. I was funny&interesting enough to people. Funny reactions, eventful in a fun way. My fav ship even became someone's 2nd fav ship after they saw me posting&talking about it.

About the thing I did this year, I'm imperfect,but I'm certain I won't repeat that sort of thing. I feel too gross&horrible about it to do anything like that again. I promise. I'm truly sorry. I want to be someone who leaves positive effects. I don't want negative emotions to turn me into a monster.

I know bad stuff I've been through don't excuse my wrongs, but I wish people were more patient, understanding, compassionate & chill with me. Some of my wrongs came from being mentally cornered & very bad stuff building up. It was possible of me to learn, mature & become less emotional, which I did.

Internet friends became a big part of my life in 2012, it would be very weird if the person I'm living with didn't know stuff about that area of my life, so of course she asked stuff & I told stuff, of course she saw how I looked & acted bc of how I felt. Knew who made me happy or who hurt me & how.

Something I find a bit hurtful is that Internet friends almost always kept me a secret from their family (had to) or didn't tell about about me to family members just bc they didn't feel like it. Even if I don't have a close relationship with any of my relatives my mom still always knew many things.

Ok ok, maybe I was being a bit too dramatic. My mom wasn't hostile & I still think I'm essentially a good person. But still true that I'm imperfect & not who I wish I was. I don't mean that just about moral stuff, in general. 2 examples; my friendship appeal is very low, I have emotional weaknesses.

Even if I never repeat those horrible acts, I'll still be this very imperfect freak. I changed a lot as years passed, but I never became that awesome person that I wish I was, bc that is something I'm incapable of becoming. I'm impure & incapable. How much does being sorry matter if I can't be that?

After doing something bad, I know one should focus more on fixing own issues to prevent similar transgressions instead of beating oneself up, but what's the point if I'm generally not who I wish I was & can't be? I've high moral&emotional intelligence&knowledge, yet I'm still a very imperfect freak.

It hurt to keep it to myself. I asked my mom if she would still treat me the same if I did something. She said she wouldn't. I told her anyway, something really bad I did this year bc I got pissed off when something happened & there already was built up negativity. I feel like shit, I know I should.

All I wanted was to be friends, not this.
Not being left with this pain, instead things happily staying the way they were. Not suffering extremely horribly from chronic invalidation for over a decade, instead being fortunate enough to have my friends stay in my life. I wish you were still here.

2021 was one of the best years of my life. But a scary fact is that I'm not friends with anyone I was still friends with that year anymore, except 1 lifelong friend outside the Internet & 1 Internet friend(but I worry she may dip like so much friends I had did & she hasn't talked to me for a month).

#myart #digitalart #cartoon #fanart #cute #adorable #smilingfriends #pim #pimpimling #glep #colourful #colorful #smile #happy Pim Pimling and Glep, drew my favs from Smiling Friends.

Long ago I used to think I am sensitive but now I don't think so. My reactions are rational. Other people are too sensitive instead. Freaking out over small things & even when there actually is nothing wrong too bc of their sensitivity making them delusional. I became more numb & chill too but yeah.

#myart #digitalart #cartoon #me #blue #deniz I'm such a tumblr sexyman. Drawing myself grew on me.

I don't "want someone/a friend", I want YOU. My appreciation for a friend doesn't erase my appreciation for another friend. To me, people are irreplaceable. I love people mainly bc of who they are, not bc I just have them. I seriously value people & what I have with them. I really care. Real love.

My opinions on HH & HB aren't even close to being the same tho. I love HH but I don't like HB anywhere near as much as HH & I have mixed feelings about HB. I like some of the characters & humour but it is too flawed & iffy for me to like more than I do, I cringe-watch. Maybe will get better but idk.

rarely&they don't talk to me using Internet,except a life-long friend who does a tiny bit,she&my other Internet friends than Luca don't talk to me a lot either but they feel less non-existent.And having the option to befriend people from anywhere in the world is better than being limited to my area.

I kind of prefer Internet friendships over friendships outside the Internet tbh.I'm not opposed to being friends with Turkish people but I'm more interested in being friends with people who aren't. Internet friends are easier to keep in touch with for me,friends outside the Internet see me in person

Ragebaiting is mostly lame & unfunny. But there's something else I like to do. I intentionally do weird/funny things & see if people give funny reactions/responses. It works so much of the time. Sorry for the times from years ago that I went too far with it tho.

Some thinking I'm a type of person to get a girlfriend/etc feels both like an insult & a compliment. Compliment, bc it implies I'm cool enough to properly get people (but that's false). Insult, bc it implies I'm stupid enough to trust people with that after all I've been through, which I'm not.

An effective way to cope with unpleasant stuff is not taking them seriously. Another thing that helps is numbness. I'm glad I evolved into this mindset, years ago I let things get to me more than I should. But of course, these won't always work or protect me. I'm still a person with feelings.

Other common patterns;
-They act like they love,care about&value me&think I'm very cool, but abruptly start treating me like I'm a virus. Like the care&positivity were never real.
-They get distant bc of being busy and/or feeling down, later they don't return to me despite hanging with other people.

kahootashoota & daaxwillstrikeback , will search results or "name attracts attention" luck work in my favour?
Me naming someone is absolutely nothing compared to all the various extreme cruelty&traumatic immense suffering I've been through these years bc of friends I had, you'd be wrong to complain.

R.I.P. Reha Sezgin. He was a guy I loved listening to the radio program of every Sunday morning in which he played nice songs from the 20th century & talked about random stuff. Thanks for the nice music, interesting speeches & memories. Wishing you the best, wherever you are & will be.

stuck in the past, the present is what mainly matters&moving past bad stuff is an important part of friendships, yet I couldn't achieve or gain much with that knowledge. But instead, a life-long good friend outside the Internet is that way towards me, forgiving&our friendship surviving,I'm grateful.

There still are problems. I didn't get an apology&closure from some that I feel the need to get from. And it hurts me that the number of friendships I was able to recover by forgiving big wrong doings&acknowledging the present is what matters is...0. Life didn't let me. I know people shouldn't be

I'm serious. Both people I was friends with & never was friends with, many people who hurt me long ago, when they apologised, I always felt a weight go off me, it helped a lot. It has been the ulimate thing that helps me heal. Without apologies, I'd be much worse off & I'm grateful.