Michael (emptyhead)

R:Z is an unusual name.

An infinite number of mathematicians enter a bar.

The 1st orders a beer.
The next says: "I'll have 1/2 of what he ordered"
The next says: "I'll have 1/2 of that..."

The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says:
"I get it, but you need to know your limits."

Diana Ross is fewmin at this

“Thank you for your attention to this matter.”

- physics professors

Sorry about that trump

RIM

Me: When I die, I want be cremated

Husband: Should I write that down now or wait till—

Me: Yeah no, when we're done having sex is fine

Playing the bagpuss..

Profound...

Hand Solo?

You can’t even lure children into your gingerbread house to eat them any more without being cooked in your own oven. I blame Hansel culture

Right then: time to neglect that Christmas dog.

Big news for music fans: You can use the 'volume' button to increase the amount of music there is

Was at a Christmas party with a load of clergy last night and as some people were leaving they found a person collapsed on the street outside so the Verger took over and called an ambulance and sent all the clergy away because "if they wake up surrounded by priests that'll just make things worse"

It's an amazing thing that you do...and an apt bit of gratitude there.

This was my biggest tweet over in the bad place. It will live here now. 🧙‍♀️🎄

'Believe' by Cher remained top of the charts for 7 weeks, and holds the record for not only being the biggest selling UK single by a female artist, but the only song that Professor Stephen Hawking would do at karaoke.

#totp

It'll cost them an arm & a leg & a dick.

Remembering the time in CCD as a child when I raised my hand really high and eager like IF GOD LOVES US WHY IS THERE SUFFERING??? And the teacher, Mrs Murphy, a mother of three with a thick Brooklyn accent, sighed, pinched the bridge of her nose, and said, “Donegan, I’m having a hard day, alright?”

Yes. I went to see the Wets twice with an ex...I've earned it!

“Can I run this by you?”

The London Marathon Organising Committee.

My worst Christmas was 1978.

Because of a spelling mistake on my letter to Santa, I had to spend the entire day with an Acton man.

If I had a Tim Minchin I would go back and turn off autocorrect.

Banning *both* kinds of music?!

Diamonds on the Soles of her Blue Suede Shoes are forever.

I've mounted a landline phone next to my bathroom mirror because every now and then I like to pretend I'm visiting my twin in jail.

"New testament; who dis?"

you've got a screw loose, i'm spiralling out. we are not the sane.

Just farted so hard I terminated my filibuster.