hey! (i hate that one, fwiw icymi fml)

Why couldn’t you have told me I’m the River Spirit Kohaku before I bought all these spatulas.

I made focaccia for the first time ever tonight. And I think my meal is gonna get me laid.

It’ll be self service but my point is my bread was good.

(At the doctor) *takes out tampon

"Weigh me now"

i fanatically workout bc it’s good for me but really it’s so i have the physical strength to stir my jar of natural peanut butter

me: i can’t work here anymore. i’ve had it. that was the last straw

my boss @ the hay factory: what

When I was young, I used to think a kid was fancy if they tasted Irish Spring and not Ivory.

one of the most important things one can say is “i fucked up”

one of the most confusing things one can say is “i fucked Up (2009)”

Two completely mud-covered dogs rest in front of a pair of doors.

“Ma’am, my partner and I have done a thorough inspection of your property, and I’m afraid you’re going to need a new flowerbed, several bushes, and you will most likely need to reseed the lawn. If you want, we can work up an estimate and get back to you.”

find someone who has the same cream cheese to bagel ratio as you. it’s really that simple

i once went to Boston Market™️ & they were out of chicken & they were like what’s your problem is that hahd for you to understand get back in your cah & gtfo of here & i was like ok just give me a cuppa cawfee & they were like what kinda stupid accent is that & i was like its a new yawk accent &

no i don't want the donna kelce home renovations meme explained. the fuck is wrong with you

hahaha

It’s Wednesday morning.

I’m quietly sitting in my comfortable, corporate office and feeling an overwhelming pending doom..

an anxiety that can only be a precursor to the universe completely disrupting the status quo.

I probably should have another cup of coffee.

Sometimes I feel crazy but it's just that my phone brightness is too high

choosing one special follower to apply rustproofing to my undercarriage. i do not own a car.

I don't need fun to have alcohol.

Reporting live from the couch of my parents condo where the indoor temperature is 81 fucking degrees at 11pm. I think this is definitely one of the rings of hell.

a picture of a box of lucky lights candy cigarettes (it’s a white box with red writing, a yellow horseshoe, and a green four leaf clover) with a blue sky background with white clouds

so stressed i might have to go get a pack

Monday: *exists*

Me: *serves a Cease and Desist order*

so can we get some alt text on your subskeets so we know who y’all be talking about

🥳 happy birthday, adorable mama of lizzlepants!!!

I want to take that drug they’re advertising that not only improves your eyesight but apparently allows you to access portals that teleport you to other places. With the price of gas these days that could come in handy.

If you’re trying to be evil but you’re mediocre at it are you mid evil?

my daughters, ar & gel: yep, she do do that

oh i’d find a way, believe me 😬

two men in tuxedos and top hats are standing next to each other Alt: two men in tuxedos and top hats are standing next to each other

If you're blue and you don't know where you want to go to... why don't you go where fashion sits...

I decided to start wearing all the clothes I've been 'saving', for occasions that may never come.
I might be wearing sequins to pick up a prescription, later.

terrifying if literal: tornado watch

margaret, aka peggy: what