when we were 18 my friend and i went to our first strip club at like noon and there were only two dancers there and we befriended one with a super thick accent who made me guess where she was from and i said 'russia' and she said 'yis! the land of snow and bears how u know this'
Alternate Willy Wonka ending
Kneecap is here now so I guess I'll stay
Very snappy retort
😂 sure
bro we’re gonna be the change we wish to see in the world later if you want to pull up
Always amazed that of all my terrible attributes the thing people usually find most off-putting about me is that I'm a Notre Dame fan
Disappointing my ancestors on a molecular level
Accidentally got day drunk if anyone wants to send me money to see my ass now is the time
I bought napkins that say 2025. They don’t say happy. They simply state a fact. We are neutrally entering the new year.
Exactly!
I just think I'd make a really good Mrs. Claus and quite frankly am hurt I've never been asked to marry Santa. He's eternal but Mrs. Claus isn't I assume. I've been riding the bench for too long Kringle. Put me in coach.
Sometimes you just have to take a chip clip from a low priority bag and put it on a high priority bag, it’s not personal or anything
me to man that saved my life: your quick thinking saved our lives
skydive instructor: again, everything that happened was supposed to happen
Need more from Irish Twitter here to make this house a home
Yayyyyy!!!!!
[pretending to talk in my sleep so I can say things to my wife without getting in trouble] new blue shirt too blue
[getting up to speak at a funeral even though I didn’t know the person that well but I want to show off my new shirt] sometimes your mail man is more than just a mail man
When I see someone call themselves an elder here
Comedian: Thanks everyone you've been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Thank you ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
date: I think we’ve actually met before
Picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Perry County fried chicken to share 😂
Really miss you on Twitter 😭
😂😂
Please enjoy this menu from a central Pennsylvania legend
them: you better not be a cunty vaudevillian tomato when i get there
me:
[giving medical advice] try to not have medical issues
It's delicious
